I am a night owl.

And I work a day job.

Suck.

I hate getting up before 10 am. I don’t really get geared up and going until right around 4 pm. Then I’m jazzed until around 1 am.  It’s a grueling schedule when I have to get up at 6:45 am to get myself, my X, and my Darkling going for work/school.

So, case in point, at the moment I am emailing zip files to B. He got an iPod shuffle for his birthday and he needs MP3s.

What the Darklings need Cootie & X provide.

Thankfully, X is a night owl too. Of course, that just means working a day job is just as hard on him as it is on me.  Poor bastard.

This time next week, X & I will be in Wilmington, NC. At a resort hotel. With a private balcony overlooking the ocean. Does it get any better than that?  I think not, my friends. I think not.

In two weeks we are getting married.

Yeah. Married. The big “M”.

And I’m so excited and so happy and so In Love it’s nauseating I know.

I’m rambling now, so I’ll let you go before I lose you and me and everyone else in the ride. But let me say this, watch for the Future, Friend. It’ll be here sooner than you think.

 

The tick-tock of the clock is painful…

10 points – Name the song and the band. : )

Missed me?

I’ve been busy. Fucking hell.  Where to start?  Probably where I left off.  Or somewhere in between.

School just started back up again!   This semester I am enrolled in German I, Business Communication & Report Writing, and the same Math class that I took last Fall because I failed it. Blah. I’m thrilled about the German class. I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time. The Math class… well, you can imagine how excited I am to be re-taking that.  The Business class is a crock, but necessary for my goals. I changed my major! The dissolution of the Collective left me floundering a bit and questioning my goals & my direction for the future. The parting was such that it was made clear to me that I am to have nothing further to do with the Memoreum project, so I was left with the question: Do I still want to be a Funeral Director? The answer came as a resounding “No”.  That, of course, led to another question: So what the hell do I want to do then? After a lot of debate & soul searching I decided on pursuing just a general associates degree with a certification in small business management.

Why small business management? Because X & I are finally going to make our dreams come to fruition and open a store together!

Cool huh?  We’re going to start on-line, the Ebay store should be up and running soon. Our goal is to open it on Dia de los Muertos. We also want to set up our own website in conjunction with the Ebay store (Fire, are you interested?  Shoot me an email or give me a call when you get some free time. We’ll need a quote.) We’re calling it Cootie & X’s Full Circle, specializing in eclectic clothing and arcane books of the second hand variety. Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?  We’ve got our profile and Me page up. Check it out: http://members.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewUserPage&userid=cootiexsfullcircle . It makes me giggle every time I look at it. I’m so excited I’m practically beside myself over it.

Besides that X & I have a lot going on right now and are facing some big decisions that will bring major changes to our little family over the course of the next year.  But that’s ok, we’re ready for it.

We are getting ready to finish up Fire in our Element Walk and roll right into Water. It is fascinating to see how the Walk evolves and changes in each Element. Fire has been quite different from Air and I imagine Water will follow suit.

Hands down, this has been the best Summer of my Life. We spent a lot of time by the pool, boat drinks in hand, soaking up the Sun. I’m tan. Amazing. I haven’t been tan since I was 14 years old. We’ve played many a game of Scrabble and a few hands of cards. We’ve had amazing fun with Friends.  My relationship with my Family has grown stronger and healed so much.  I have re-discovered so many things that I love and had forgotten.  Oh!  And we expanded on our Bill & Ted’s philosophy to create the X & Cootie Credo!

1. Be excellent to each other.
2. Do what is necessary and be as polite as possible.
3. Find the positive. If you can’t find the positive, find the funny.
4. Whatever works.
5. Pics or it didn’t happen.
6. Be nice to old Gypsy Women. They can fuck your shit up!
7. When someone asks if you are a god, say “Yes!”.

We are forming some sort of Pagan/Discordian/Geek hybrid tradition here, and I love it.

I am very much looking forward to the Fall. It is, after all, our favorite time of the Year.

Hail Eris!

 

So… just what is Love, exactly?

I love my Daughter.

I love chocolate.

I love my boot collection.

I love hot tubing.

I love October.

I love Scota.

I love purple.

I love dark beer.

I love horror movies.

I love my friends.

I love X.

 

I think this is where our language fails us.  How is it that we can use one word to encompass so much? How can we apply one word to boots and our offspring and our Partner and the Divine?  They are not equal. Not by a long stretch my friend.

All of my Life I have been unable to make a distinction between the love that I had for my friends and the love that I had for whomever I was in a relationship with at the time.  6 months ago, I had myself convinced that I was poly and that as such; I was hardwired toward a Life of multiple partners and could not be satisfied with monogamy.  Now, my logical mind says that monogamy is a choice, much like my sexuality I can be attracted to Women and Men and choose to be in a relationship with one or the other and be satisfied as such or visa versa. 6 months ago, I was in a polyfidelitous triad and resigned to live as such… unfulfilled maybe, but happiness came and went in degrees. Peaks and valleys, right?  Such is Life. So, logic aside, I lived in doubt more often than not.

Yesterday I realized, for the first time ever, that I feel a distinct difference in the Love I have for X and the love I have for my friends. Even for my Lady Ice who is closest to me than any other next to X. There is a difference. I remember, 5 years ago when the Collective was very new and J said to me “There is a difference.” In her love for me and her Love for K.  I didn’t understand then.  I said I did, but I didn’t, not really.

Now I understand.

What she meant was that she is “in Love” with K but not me. She loved me; no doubt. I know she loved me… maybe still does. But she was…is… in Love with K.  I understand now.  I understand because I am in Love with X.  For the first time in my Life, I am in Love.  And that is a strange and weird realization to come to at 32 years old with 3 failed long term relationships under your belt. Two of which were marriages.

So now I know what it means: to be in Love.

Now I know. And it is wonderful.

I’d like to be apologetic. To J and W, Thing One & Two, to K and J… I loved them the best I could… I just wasn’t in Love with them. Weird that I thought I was. It just goes to further the understanding of how Perspective changes everything. I’d like to be apologetic… but, I think it would smack insincere. I loved them.  I did the best I could. It just never was enough.

 

Growing pains.

Is it possible for your heart to hurt from an abundance of Love & Joy?  Like growing pains maybe?  Or maybe this evening the lump in my throat and the rock in my chest are there because my baby turns 13 tomorrow… tonight, as I was tucking her in bed, she said to me “After tonight I won’t be your little girl anymore. I’ll be a teenager!”

It took everything I had in me to keep from crying in that moment.

My Punky is growing up. There’s nothing I can do to stop it. There’s nothing I can do to avoid it.

I think it best to weather this as I have all scary things in Life: grab a beer, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

I am enjoying Life. X & I have decided to get married, did you know? 11/5/10, yes sir. Always remember the fifth of November. I feel… relief. Is that weird? Among the happiness and giddyness and Love and Joy I feel relieved. Light. Like I am Home. I can kick my shoes off, get a drink, and relax. Finally. It is good.

 

And it begins… again.

Life is cyclical you know. I love coming full Circle. It lets me know I’m on the right Path… or something like that.

I started my Path as a Pagan a little over eleven years ago. I was 20 years old, married to my first husband, and we had a one year old daughter. I was green and naïve and desperate to feel connected. I did not feel connected to my husband. He was in the Army. I was a stay-at-home mom. We lived in Augusta, Georgia of all places and I was alone. I was introduced to Wicca through an (not so) old flame on one of my visits back home.  I began my studies in earnest, insanely excited about the possibilities that were opening before me as I read about the ancient and modern practices involved in various Pagan Traditions. I felt like I finally found my Way.

My husband did not agree.

We divorced two years later.

Shortly before my divorce I met my Teacher and began training with my Grove. They were my Family. During my training with the Grove I learned everything I know about Ritual. I went through my Element Walk and I worked through three degrees. I loved them. The Grove was my World.

My first Element Walk lasted four months. I’d always felt like my training was rushed. I struggled with Fire. Air too, but not as much. I’m a Cancer. Crabby Girl loves Water. No problem there. I’m grounded more than most people you’ll ever meet, Earth not a problem.  Air was a little more difficult, but I got it. Fire was difficult for me.  In fact, I didn’t really “get” Fire until well after my 2^nd degree. 

I never really had a High Priestess. There was the One who initiated me, but she did not train me and her involvement in my Life was peripheral at best.  She participated in my initiations and left my training to my Teacher. Now… well, now she won’t have anything to do with me because of my 2^nd husband.  I’m rambling now… my point is that it was in a Circle with her Coven that I first felt that I actually connected with Fire.

Three years into my training I received my 3^rd degree initiation and became High Priestess of my Grove. I received that initiation in the desert of New Mexico. It was mid June. The sun was just starting to set. The sky was an amazing turquoise behind the painful beauty of the red rock cliffs and the wind was blowing hard and straight. The wind is always blowing in the canyon. I watched as my Teacher cast Circle. I was there when he gave me 3^rd degree. But I couldn’t hear a word he said. I couldn’t feel him. I was alone with the Wind and the Desert and They were all I could hear. They were all I could feel. I was alone and I felt empty and I was confused. I should have felt connected to my husband. My Teacher. But I did not. I was alone. The Wind was all I could hear. 

Tonight X & I began our Element Walk together. We will spend the next few months working through Air. At the Summer Solstice we will move on to Fire and so on and so forth.  This was our first formal Ritual together. We worked skyclad and made Love as part of the Ritual.

To say it was Awesome is an understatement.

Tonight I felt connected. Tonight, I did not feel alone. I did not feel empty.

 I felt connected.

I’m looking forward to this Working.

Come to think of it, I’m looking forward to the rest of my Life. And I am not afraid, for once. I am not afraid.

It’s kinda funny, that.

 

Of sex and magic.

Or magick, whichever you prefer. *shrug* Give it a name, right?

I used to live a magical Life.  I was in Circle at least twice a month, often more. My home was full of altars and shrines. It was guarded by magical Beings, hexed and sealed and protected. I walked with fairies and dragons. I had a partner, a Priest, who taught me and helped me build a foundation for my Spiritual Walk. I saw things, heard things, felt things, and EXPERIENCED things that go beyond the ordinary day to day existence. I lived on a plane where magic was a natural part of the Universe that flowed within and without me. Everything had a point and purpose, whether I could see it or not. Anything was possible. I lived in a World of Infinite Potential. I was plugged in… connected… in tune.

But the capacity in which I operated in that World was flawed. And soon it began to crack. And soon it began to crumble. And one day it fell down around my ears and, in what seemed to be an instant, it was left in ruins. When it fell, I thought part of me died with it. I’ve spent the last 5 years of my Life struggling to reconnect. Half-heartedly seeking a group to Circle with and/or half-hoping I would find another Teacher. For the last 5 years, not always, but more often than not, I have felt like I was merely going through the motions. I knew that magic was still there, still around me, still within in me, but I couldn’t reach it. Once in a while I could sense it, like catching a whiff of a perfume that reminds you of someone from long ago, from a faraway place. There were a handful of times I could grasp it for a short while… but it was like trying to hold onto a mist and soon I found myself searching again.

Recently I ended a five year relationship with two people that, once upon a time, were my best friends. They took me in when I was at the lowest point in my Life. They dressed my wounds, supported me, encouraged me, coddled me, and loved me. They were good to me. It seemed to me that they worked hard to make me happy. And I was happy, for the most part. But I was not fulfilled. There was something missing. I was missing the magic. That may sound bloody romantic and idealistic but I do not apologize for using the term, because that is the Truth. We could not connect. We could not create that which I was missing. And I don’t know why… it certainly was not for lack of trying. It just wasn’t there. But there was passion, by the gods, there was passion.  In the beginning that was enough to convince me to go for it, to try my hand at such an unconventional, and decidedly difficult, relationship dynamic. I mean, I was stepping into an already existing decade long relationship. Can you say “third wheel”? We met some issues, worked through them to the best of our ability, some sooner than later, and some later than sooner… some were never fully resolved. But we tried. Being with them helped me to learn a lot about myself, my habits – both good and bad, and my needs. They pushed my limits and tested my capacity for love & friendship.

This past Summer I took on a new magical name. The name I had was mine for nearly 10 years but I had gotten to the point where I wasn’t even using it anymore.  That person was gone. I had changed and I was still desperately trying to find that missing piece… trying to reconnect… to rekindle that spark and breathe Life back into my Spirit Self. It was right about that time that I began to realize that flame was indeed being kindled and my Life Path was being yet again pulled in another direction.

It’s funny… the roads that Life takes us down.

Last night, in the arms of my Beloved, I felt as if I were awakened. Last night, when we climaxed together, I felt our combined magic flow through me as if it were an electric current that shot straight up through my 7^th chakra and out into the Universe beyond.

I realize how this sounds; bear with me please, because I’m not just talking about really good sex.  I’ve had really good sex.  I spent the last 5 years in a relationship with two people who were more than happy to indulge any fantasy I expressed and who did it well.

This transcended anything I’d experienced before. This was Magic fueled by the inexorable symbiotic Love that we share. When we finished and collapsed, breathing hard, holding each other, gasping and sweaty, I breathed “My gods… that must be what it feels like to be a staff or a wand or athame. To be a channel for that raw energy… to have that power flow through you.”  X caressed my arm, tracing an endless infinity symbol on its skin like he does, “Like in your dream.” He said.

My dream?

My dream!

“I am the axis mundi!” I said, “I am the Creation and the Creator.” “Yes, Love.” He said, holding me tighter. And I cried. I felt something stir in my Spirit as an animal waking from a long hibernation and I clung to him and just absolutely sobbed and babbled a string of nearly incoherent thoughts and feelings as they bubbled to the surface. He held me and listened. Every word was nonsense but he understood it all. It was phenomenal; truly moving. It has been so long since I felt that Strength.

Soon, I will have a new home. A new Life. Soon I will unpack my Ritual Tools and my altars to put them in my new home. It is time to recharge them. To recharge me.

 It is time to reclaim my magical Life.

And it’s about damn time.

 

Grief is heavy.

”Grief is heavy. Have you noticed?” I texted X on Tuesday.

“All thoughts and emotions have weight and substance” was his reply, “especially sad ones.”

 

I was sitting in the ICU waiting room at Fort Sanders with my friend Myst. Next to my Lady J, I am closer to Myst than any female.  She is one of my Chosen Family. She is a cornerstone of my Inner Circle. Tuesday my heart broke as I watched her struggle with the knowledge that her Mother was dying. I held her hand and we cried together, each grappling silently with the futility of wishing there was something we could do; each pondering the hard face of mortality that is often taken for granted.

 

Grammy held on until last night when she passed through the veil about 7 pm. I was not with my friend when it happened, but she was surrounded by her family, people who knew and loved Grammy in her Life. While I did not know her well, I thought she was a cool Lady. She always greeted me with a smile and her influence on the people that I love is apparent

 

A family dealing with the loss of a loved one is a very intimate thing. It is challenging, being on the outside of a grieving family; trying to figure out where you can help, when it is appropriate for you to be there, and what to say or not say.  It will be, I’m sure, a never ending learning process… but, in spite of how hard it is, in spite of how painful it is, with all of the families that I will be working with in the future facing the same thing I hope I never become numb to it. I hope that I can always feel it, always relate, always know… to somehow help. If by nothing else but being there to listen.

 

I love you Myst. Your sadness is my sadness. If you need me for anything, I will not be far away.  Just say the word and I will come.