The tick-tock of the clock is painful…

10 points – Name the song and the band. : )

Missed me?

I’ve been busy. Fucking hell.  Where to start?  Probably where I left off.  Or somewhere in between.

School just started back up again!   This semester I am enrolled in German I, Business Communication & Report Writing, and the same Math class that I took last Fall because I failed it. Blah. I’m thrilled about the German class. I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time. The Math class… well, you can imagine how excited I am to be re-taking that.  The Business class is a crock, but necessary for my goals. I changed my major! The dissolution of the Collective left me floundering a bit and questioning my goals & my direction for the future. The parting was such that it was made clear to me that I am to have nothing further to do with the Memoreum project, so I was left with the question: Do I still want to be a Funeral Director? The answer came as a resounding “No”.  That, of course, led to another question: So what the hell do I want to do then? After a lot of debate & soul searching I decided on pursuing just a general associates degree with a certification in small business management.

Why small business management? Because X & I are finally going to make our dreams come to fruition and open a store together!

Cool huh?  We’re going to start on-line, the Ebay store should be up and running soon. Our goal is to open it on Dia de los Muertos. We also want to set up our own website in conjunction with the Ebay store (Fire, are you interested?  Shoot me an email or give me a call when you get some free time. We’ll need a quote.) We’re calling it Cootie & X’s Full Circle, specializing in eclectic clothing and arcane books of the second hand variety. Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?  We’ve got our profile and Me page up. Check it out: http://members.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewUserPage&userid=cootiexsfullcircle . It makes me giggle every time I look at it. I’m so excited I’m practically beside myself over it.

Besides that X & I have a lot going on right now and are facing some big decisions that will bring major changes to our little family over the course of the next year.  But that’s ok, we’re ready for it.

We are getting ready to finish up Fire in our Element Walk and roll right into Water. It is fascinating to see how the Walk evolves and changes in each Element. Fire has been quite different from Air and I imagine Water will follow suit.

Hands down, this has been the best Summer of my Life. We spent a lot of time by the pool, boat drinks in hand, soaking up the Sun. I’m tan. Amazing. I haven’t been tan since I was 14 years old. We’ve played many a game of Scrabble and a few hands of cards. We’ve had amazing fun with Friends.  My relationship with my Family has grown stronger and healed so much.  I have re-discovered so many things that I love and had forgotten.  Oh!  And we expanded on our Bill & Ted’s philosophy to create the X & Cootie Credo!

1. Be excellent to each other.
2. Do what is necessary and be as polite as possible.
3. Find the positive. If you can’t find the positive, find the funny.
4. Whatever works.
5. Pics or it didn’t happen.
6. Be nice to old Gypsy Women. They can fuck your shit up!
7. When someone asks if you are a god, say “Yes!”.

We are forming some sort of Pagan/Discordian/Geek hybrid tradition here, and I love it.

I am very much looking forward to the Fall. It is, after all, our favorite time of the Year.

Hail Eris!

 

And it begins… again.

Life is cyclical you know. I love coming full Circle. It lets me know I’m on the right Path… or something like that.

I started my Path as a Pagan a little over eleven years ago. I was 20 years old, married to my first husband, and we had a one year old daughter. I was green and naïve and desperate to feel connected. I did not feel connected to my husband. He was in the Army. I was a stay-at-home mom. We lived in Augusta, Georgia of all places and I was alone. I was introduced to Wicca through an (not so) old flame on one of my visits back home.  I began my studies in earnest, insanely excited about the possibilities that were opening before me as I read about the ancient and modern practices involved in various Pagan Traditions. I felt like I finally found my Way.

My husband did not agree.

We divorced two years later.

Shortly before my divorce I met my Teacher and began training with my Grove. They were my Family. During my training with the Grove I learned everything I know about Ritual. I went through my Element Walk and I worked through three degrees. I loved them. The Grove was my World.

My first Element Walk lasted four months. I’d always felt like my training was rushed. I struggled with Fire. Air too, but not as much. I’m a Cancer. Crabby Girl loves Water. No problem there. I’m grounded more than most people you’ll ever meet, Earth not a problem.  Air was a little more difficult, but I got it. Fire was difficult for me.  In fact, I didn’t really “get” Fire until well after my 2^nd degree. 

I never really had a High Priestess. There was the One who initiated me, but she did not train me and her involvement in my Life was peripheral at best.  She participated in my initiations and left my training to my Teacher. Now… well, now she won’t have anything to do with me because of my 2^nd husband.  I’m rambling now… my point is that it was in a Circle with her Coven that I first felt that I actually connected with Fire.

Three years into my training I received my 3^rd degree initiation and became High Priestess of my Grove. I received that initiation in the desert of New Mexico. It was mid June. The sun was just starting to set. The sky was an amazing turquoise behind the painful beauty of the red rock cliffs and the wind was blowing hard and straight. The wind is always blowing in the canyon. I watched as my Teacher cast Circle. I was there when he gave me 3^rd degree. But I couldn’t hear a word he said. I couldn’t feel him. I was alone with the Wind and the Desert and They were all I could hear. They were all I could feel. I was alone and I felt empty and I was confused. I should have felt connected to my husband. My Teacher. But I did not. I was alone. The Wind was all I could hear. 

Tonight X & I began our Element Walk together. We will spend the next few months working through Air. At the Summer Solstice we will move on to Fire and so on and so forth.  This was our first formal Ritual together. We worked skyclad and made Love as part of the Ritual.

To say it was Awesome is an understatement.

Tonight I felt connected. Tonight, I did not feel alone. I did not feel empty.

 I felt connected.

I’m looking forward to this Working.

Come to think of it, I’m looking forward to the rest of my Life. And I am not afraid, for once. I am not afraid.

It’s kinda funny, that.

 

Of sex and magic.

Or magick, whichever you prefer. *shrug* Give it a name, right?

I used to live a magical Life.  I was in Circle at least twice a month, often more. My home was full of altars and shrines. It was guarded by magical Beings, hexed and sealed and protected. I walked with fairies and dragons. I had a partner, a Priest, who taught me and helped me build a foundation for my Spiritual Walk. I saw things, heard things, felt things, and EXPERIENCED things that go beyond the ordinary day to day existence. I lived on a plane where magic was a natural part of the Universe that flowed within and without me. Everything had a point and purpose, whether I could see it or not. Anything was possible. I lived in a World of Infinite Potential. I was plugged in… connected… in tune.

But the capacity in which I operated in that World was flawed. And soon it began to crack. And soon it began to crumble. And one day it fell down around my ears and, in what seemed to be an instant, it was left in ruins. When it fell, I thought part of me died with it. I’ve spent the last 5 years of my Life struggling to reconnect. Half-heartedly seeking a group to Circle with and/or half-hoping I would find another Teacher. For the last 5 years, not always, but more often than not, I have felt like I was merely going through the motions. I knew that magic was still there, still around me, still within in me, but I couldn’t reach it. Once in a while I could sense it, like catching a whiff of a perfume that reminds you of someone from long ago, from a faraway place. There were a handful of times I could grasp it for a short while… but it was like trying to hold onto a mist and soon I found myself searching again.

Recently I ended a five year relationship with two people that, once upon a time, were my best friends. They took me in when I was at the lowest point in my Life. They dressed my wounds, supported me, encouraged me, coddled me, and loved me. They were good to me. It seemed to me that they worked hard to make me happy. And I was happy, for the most part. But I was not fulfilled. There was something missing. I was missing the magic. That may sound bloody romantic and idealistic but I do not apologize for using the term, because that is the Truth. We could not connect. We could not create that which I was missing. And I don’t know why… it certainly was not for lack of trying. It just wasn’t there. But there was passion, by the gods, there was passion.  In the beginning that was enough to convince me to go for it, to try my hand at such an unconventional, and decidedly difficult, relationship dynamic. I mean, I was stepping into an already existing decade long relationship. Can you say “third wheel”? We met some issues, worked through them to the best of our ability, some sooner than later, and some later than sooner… some were never fully resolved. But we tried. Being with them helped me to learn a lot about myself, my habits – both good and bad, and my needs. They pushed my limits and tested my capacity for love & friendship.

This past Summer I took on a new magical name. The name I had was mine for nearly 10 years but I had gotten to the point where I wasn’t even using it anymore.  That person was gone. I had changed and I was still desperately trying to find that missing piece… trying to reconnect… to rekindle that spark and breathe Life back into my Spirit Self. It was right about that time that I began to realize that flame was indeed being kindled and my Life Path was being yet again pulled in another direction.

It’s funny… the roads that Life takes us down.

Last night, in the arms of my Beloved, I felt as if I were awakened. Last night, when we climaxed together, I felt our combined magic flow through me as if it were an electric current that shot straight up through my 7^th chakra and out into the Universe beyond.

I realize how this sounds; bear with me please, because I’m not just talking about really good sex.  I’ve had really good sex.  I spent the last 5 years in a relationship with two people who were more than happy to indulge any fantasy I expressed and who did it well.

This transcended anything I’d experienced before. This was Magic fueled by the inexorable symbiotic Love that we share. When we finished and collapsed, breathing hard, holding each other, gasping and sweaty, I breathed “My gods… that must be what it feels like to be a staff or a wand or athame. To be a channel for that raw energy… to have that power flow through you.”  X caressed my arm, tracing an endless infinity symbol on its skin like he does, “Like in your dream.” He said.

My dream?

My dream!

“I am the axis mundi!” I said, “I am the Creation and the Creator.” “Yes, Love.” He said, holding me tighter. And I cried. I felt something stir in my Spirit as an animal waking from a long hibernation and I clung to him and just absolutely sobbed and babbled a string of nearly incoherent thoughts and feelings as they bubbled to the surface. He held me and listened. Every word was nonsense but he understood it all. It was phenomenal; truly moving. It has been so long since I felt that Strength.

Soon, I will have a new home. A new Life. Soon I will unpack my Ritual Tools and my altars to put them in my new home. It is time to recharge them. To recharge me.

 It is time to reclaim my magical Life.

And it’s about damn time.

 

Om Namah Shivaya

I have an MP3 player that holds something around 450 songs. Music for me has always been close to my Heart and much of what I love, I mean REALLY Love, is akin to a Spiritual experience. Thanks to file sharing with friends, we have a large collection, much of it I’ve never heard and don’t know where it came from. A few weeks back I wasrotating out my music and putting some new stuff on my player when I came across a song I hadn’t heard before, didn’t know what it was, but thought I’d put it on the player and try it out.  So, the first time I heard it was at work. When it came on I seriously had to refrain from standing up and dancing in my cubicle, lol. It’s in Sanskrit though so I had no clue what they were saying. The chant has stuck with me, I find myself humming it in the shower and waking up singing it. So this morning I did a little research and thought I would share the inspiration with you, my friends.

Namaste,
Marianne

************************************************************************
Om Namah Shivaaya
Shivaaya namaha,
Shivaaya namah om
Shivaaya namaha, namaha Shivaaya
Shambhu Shankara namah Shivaaya,
Girijaa Shankara namah Shivaaya
Arunaachala Shiva namah Shivaaya

I bow to the Soul of all. I bow to my Self. I don’t know who I am, so I
bow to you, Shiva, my own true Self. I bow to my teachers who loved me
with Love. Who took care of me when I couldn’t take care of myself. I
owe everything to them. How can I repay them? They have everything in
the world. Only my love is mine to give, but in giving I find that it is
their love flowing through me back to the world…I have nothing. I have
everything. I want nothing. Only let it flow to you, my love… sing!

~Krishna Das

Om Namah Shivaya is known as the great redeeming mantra also known as
five-syllable mantra

The meaning : 
It means  “I bow to Shiva.” Shiva is the supreme reality, the inner Self.
It  is the name given to consciousness that dwells in all. Shiva is the
name of your true identity- your self.

According to Hindu mythology there are three Gods who run this creation.
The Brahma – who creates the universe, the Vishnu – who preserves the
Universe and the Shiva- who in the end destroys the universe. Among the
three deities, Shiva, though considered as destroyer, also symbolize the
- the inner self which remains intact even after everything ends.

In this mantra the chanter (one who repeats the mantra) bow to Shiva-
his true self.

Om Namah Shivay is a very powerful mantra. It has been said about this
mantra that if this mantra vibrates continually in your heart, then you
have no need to perform austerities, to meditate, or to practise yoga.
To repeat this mantra you need no rituals or ceremonies, nor must you
repeat it at an auspicious time or in a particular place.” This mantra
is free of all restrictions. It can be repeated by anyone, young or old,
rich or poor and no matter what state a person is in, it will purify him.

http://www.meditationiseasy.com/mCorner/techniques/Om_namah_shivaya.htm

 

A mild irritant.

So, I had something happen today that I want to get off my chest.  It is irritating me more than I think it should, so what is your opinion?

Meetup.com.  It’s a neat place.  You can look up people in or near your city with similar interests who want to get together and talk about those interests or wtf ever. I’ve been hiding in my little cave for a few years now, since the dissolution of my 2nd marriage and the Spiritual group we were a part of together. Now I find myself wanting to peek out a bit.  Find out who’s new, see who’s still around, and hopefully make some new friends.  I like making new friends.  So I set up a profile on Meetup.com, joined one group, and have been lurking. Today I signed up for another group. It’s called A.S.P.S. (All Spiritual Paths Sacred) and they have an icon that says “Coexist” that is circled by various religious symbols. Totally in line with what I believe and want to pursue. I posted my bio which basically declared that I consider myself neo-pagan and that my motto is “whatever works”. Now, I’ve had my eye on the group for a little while but had some trepidation because of the leader of the group.  He uses the title “Lord”, which is not uncommon in the Wiccan community but I find it smacks pretentious and digs at me.  I’ve met too many “Lords” and “Ladies” that haven’t earned the respect such a title warrants but demand it anyway. The “Lord” left me a message saying that “Whatever works is cool, but how about Whatever works and harms none?”.

*blink*

What?  Do I come off as newbie?  Did I ask for your not-so-subtle fatherly guidance? Did I say I’m Wiccan?  No.  I did not.

So, I’m irritated.  It felt to me like he was being very presumptious to tack that little Wiccan moral guidepost to my motto.  Though I do admit that I expected no less from what I’d assumed about him from his profile and other public profiles he has in the Community.  I also admit that I could be a tad defensive. I have more than a little anxiety at the prospect of coming out of my cave despite the fact that I really want to…

And I plan to.  In complete defiance of my Fear.  I plan to.  The World is full of assholes.  It’s like thrift store shopping.  You gotta be patient enough to wade through racks full of crap to dig out the real gems.

 

(re)Learning how to pray.

I’ve been on a quest for the past few years, actively working to strengthen my Spirituality and find my connection.  You know, that thing which inspires, encourages, and stimulates the curiosity to spur you to learn more, read more, experience more… events of Life have a way of pushing you off course from time to time, in my personal Walk I found myself WAY off course and feeling unfulfilled because of that.

I love neat little synchronicities that you can sit back and reflect upon.

I have been saying for a while that I want to work on reconciling my past in the Christian Church with my present Faith and have been taking small steps over time to do so. We started attending a UUC near our home. I was anxious at first. I had not stepped foot in a church except to attend the occasional wedding or funeral in many, many years and was unsure of what to expect. What I found was a beautiful congregation of humanitarians and liberal minded people who were just happy to have a place where they could gather together to worship and honor the Divine in their own respective and individual ways. A place where I could hear Rumi set to music; hear the pastor read from the Bible, the Koran, or from Buddhist teachings; where I could shake hands with Christians, Pagans, and Atheists alike on any given Sunday. I was impressed and we decided to become members of the Church.

A few months ago my friend, Jack Montgomery, finished his book and sent me a copy. Through its pages I was introduced to the traditions of the hexenmeister and the Pennsylvania Dutch.  I had been researching my family tree for some time up to this point and had just traced one branch back to Germany. That ancestor came to America in the 1700’s and the family lived in Pennsylvania for a few generations. I was very interested to learn of a magical Tradition that evolved from an era that I could connect to through my bloodline and perhaps connect with my German-American heritage in a way that is harmonious with my chosen Path. I read Strange Experience by Lee Gandee next and I’m very glad I did. I related so well to much of what he said in that book and I felt strangely connected to him. He made me laugh and cry and I found myself wishing I had been able to know him in Life… but I am grateful to have had the chance to know him through his writing if nothing else. A few days ago I finished reading a book called Hex and Spellwork: The Magical Practices of the Pennsylvania Dutch by Karl Herr, a hexenmeister that still lives and runs his practice out of his home in Pennsylvania. I have a decent list of books to purchase on the topic as well as peripheral topics that will keep me busy for a while. The tradition is very heavily steaped in Christian beliefs and I have (happily) found myself able to read and learn and get something out of these books without tripping over my emotional hang-ups about Christianity.  That makes me very happy.  I believe that to be a sign of healing.

A week ago on Sunday a man walked into the sanctuary of my church and opened fire on the congregation with a 12 gauge shotgun.  He managed to get off three rounds before church members tackled him and took the gun away from him.  He killed two and critically wounded six more.  My family was not in attendance that morning. The next evening we set up Circle in our backyard as we often do and standing there in Sacred Space with three of the people I am closest to in this Life we chatted briefly about our fear and outrage at this happening. Before Circle was closed, inspired by something I cannot pinpoint, we all held hands and I led a prayer to the God and Goddess to comfort and heal the Congregation, the Community, and our own hearts and minds.

Since then I have found myself praying a few times.  Some to specific deities, some to the Divine in general. It is comforting somehow to verbalize my thoughts, desires, fears to that Divine which I know is always with me.

So, I find myself conceding the fact that the Christians did get some things right after all.

Who knew?