Of sex and magic.

Or magick, whichever you prefer. *shrug* Give it a name, right?

I used to live a magical Life.  I was in Circle at least twice a month, often more. My home was full of altars and shrines. It was guarded by magical Beings, hexed and sealed and protected. I walked with fairies and dragons. I had a partner, a Priest, who taught me and helped me build a foundation for my Spiritual Walk. I saw things, heard things, felt things, and EXPERIENCED things that go beyond the ordinary day to day existence. I lived on a plane where magic was a natural part of the Universe that flowed within and without me. Everything had a point and purpose, whether I could see it or not. Anything was possible. I lived in a World of Infinite Potential. I was plugged in… connected… in tune.

But the capacity in which I operated in that World was flawed. And soon it began to crack. And soon it began to crumble. And one day it fell down around my ears and, in what seemed to be an instant, it was left in ruins. When it fell, I thought part of me died with it. I’ve spent the last 5 years of my Life struggling to reconnect. Half-heartedly seeking a group to Circle with and/or half-hoping I would find another Teacher. For the last 5 years, not always, but more often than not, I have felt like I was merely going through the motions. I knew that magic was still there, still around me, still within in me, but I couldn’t reach it. Once in a while I could sense it, like catching a whiff of a perfume that reminds you of someone from long ago, from a faraway place. There were a handful of times I could grasp it for a short while… but it was like trying to hold onto a mist and soon I found myself searching again.

Recently I ended a five year relationship with two people that, once upon a time, were my best friends. They took me in when I was at the lowest point in my Life. They dressed my wounds, supported me, encouraged me, coddled me, and loved me. They were good to me. It seemed to me that they worked hard to make me happy. And I was happy, for the most part. But I was not fulfilled. There was something missing. I was missing the magic. That may sound bloody romantic and idealistic but I do not apologize for using the term, because that is the Truth. We could not connect. We could not create that which I was missing. And I don’t know why… it certainly was not for lack of trying. It just wasn’t there. But there was passion, by the gods, there was passion.  In the beginning that was enough to convince me to go for it, to try my hand at such an unconventional, and decidedly difficult, relationship dynamic. I mean, I was stepping into an already existing decade long relationship. Can you say “third wheel”? We met some issues, worked through them to the best of our ability, some sooner than later, and some later than sooner… some were never fully resolved. But we tried. Being with them helped me to learn a lot about myself, my habits – both good and bad, and my needs. They pushed my limits and tested my capacity for love & friendship.

This past Summer I took on a new magical name. The name I had was mine for nearly 10 years but I had gotten to the point where I wasn’t even using it anymore.  That person was gone. I had changed and I was still desperately trying to find that missing piece… trying to reconnect… to rekindle that spark and breathe Life back into my Spirit Self. It was right about that time that I began to realize that flame was indeed being kindled and my Life Path was being yet again pulled in another direction.

It’s funny… the roads that Life takes us down.

Last night, in the arms of my Beloved, I felt as if I were awakened. Last night, when we climaxed together, I felt our combined magic flow through me as if it were an electric current that shot straight up through my 7^th chakra and out into the Universe beyond.

I realize how this sounds; bear with me please, because I’m not just talking about really good sex.  I’ve had really good sex.  I spent the last 5 years in a relationship with two people who were more than happy to indulge any fantasy I expressed and who did it well.

This transcended anything I’d experienced before. This was Magic fueled by the inexorable symbiotic Love that we share. When we finished and collapsed, breathing hard, holding each other, gasping and sweaty, I breathed “My gods… that must be what it feels like to be a staff or a wand or athame. To be a channel for that raw energy… to have that power flow through you.”  X caressed my arm, tracing an endless infinity symbol on its skin like he does, “Like in your dream.” He said.

My dream?

My dream!

“I am the axis mundi!” I said, “I am the Creation and the Creator.” “Yes, Love.” He said, holding me tighter. And I cried. I felt something stir in my Spirit as an animal waking from a long hibernation and I clung to him and just absolutely sobbed and babbled a string of nearly incoherent thoughts and feelings as they bubbled to the surface. He held me and listened. Every word was nonsense but he understood it all. It was phenomenal; truly moving. It has been so long since I felt that Strength.

Soon, I will have a new home. A new Life. Soon I will unpack my Ritual Tools and my altars to put them in my new home. It is time to recharge them. To recharge me.

 It is time to reclaim my magical Life.

And it’s about damn time.

 

A dream I had last night.

I was standing in front of a panel of instructors, teachers. It was an interview. They were sitting in chairs in a circle around me, raised on a platform I had a large knife in my hand that I’d just cut open a pineapple with and I was licking the juices from the sides of the blade. One of the instructors smile and averted his eyes, “You have no idea what that looks like”.  A chuckle went around the circle and I laughed.  “No, you’re right it is very phallic!” I told him as I licked the other side.  “But that is why we use the blade in magic.” He raised his eyebrows as did several other of the instructors.  “Oh?” he said, pulling out a notebook to take notes. “Yes, I said.  Sure the knife or the wand is supposed to be an extension of the arm to direct magic, but they are also a representation of the phallus which sows the seed for creation of Life.  I stand in a Circle, which is more than just a two-dimensional shape, it is a sphere which surrounds and encompasses me.  I call on the Power of Air, Fire, Water, Earth and Spirit; Above and Below, God and Goddess. All of these Elements go into creating the sacred space in which we work magic.  All of these Elements spin in this sphere of Creation.  All of these Elements focus inward to the center.  And what is in that center? I am.” I said, placing the palm of my hand on my heart. “I stand in the center of this Sphere of Creation that I have raised. I am the axis mundi. I am the heartbeat. I am the Creation and the Creator.“

 

Wonderful moments of lucidity.

They don’t come often, but when they do I hold on for dear Life and just let it ride.  I have some great friends at work. They are, hands down, the only reason I am not completely miserable in that Gods forsaken corporate American cess pool. I’ve had a bit of an emotional week revolving around my Spiritual Path and I’ve been in some deep discussions with my SO’s and my friends trying to work through a decision I was facing. Today, having made the decision, this came out in email with one of my very good friends. He humored me by speaking little and letting me get it out. I thought I’d revisit it and type it out here, maybe add to it if the Spirit moves me. He called me his “favorite existential detective” today, lol.  Thanks X.

Magic is born in the realm of thought, that’s the first step. But sometimes it’s difficult to move to the next.  Writing it down helps me focus my intent.  Whether it’s to finish a project, help a friend heal from an illness, or bring someone special into your Life for a fulfilling relationship; it’s all the same.  All goals have to have a starting point, steps along the way, and an end point.  And that’s really all it is when it comes down to it… just lining up the dominoes to fall where you want them to fall and hope that somewhere out there is a god that will smile on you and help a little along the way.  Someone very dear to me made the domino comparison to me a long time ago, years, but it didn’t make sense to me at that time… I just couldn’t grasp what he was trying to say, but now it seems crystal clear… it’s almost ridiculous how clear.  The problem lies in thinking that magic is separate from ourselves somehow… like we have to pull from somewhere without and that somehow, if we want it bad enough and concentrate hard enough it will happen… but it doesn’t work that way.  We have to work for it in the physical realm, mental realm, and the Spiritual realm… that’s the only way we can ensure the dominoes are lined up and what we desire comes to fruition. Our World today has convoluted that image.  People think magic is something only found in fairy tales.  We wonder at magicians all the while calling them illusionists.  We think that we can’t possibly do magic even if it is “real”.  We think that “reality” is something outside of us and our control rather than something we create.  But thatis the real illusion. The only step up magicians have on us is that they know how the feat is performed.  They created it in the mental and physical world and perfected it to a level that seems somehow supernatural to the unknowing observer.  Many people in the World are starving because they’ve dedicated so much time and energy to trying to perfect their work on the physical and mental realms but have neglected the Spiritual.  We go day to day believing that there is something “out there” but don’t take the time to try and commune with it… but “it” isn’t “out there” either !  It’s within us.  The Divine Creator is within and around all of us.  God is not a separate entity sitting somewhere far removed observing and directing us.  God is here.  God is within you and within me and the Earth beneath us and the Sky above us and the sun and the moon and the rain… Woo, I need to stop before I get dizzy!  But then even those people who believe God is separate from us seem to be happier and lead more fulfilled Lives if they have a healthy Spiritual Life.  If they take the time to maintain the balance between the three.  They see the dominoes too, they just believe that God set them up apart from them rather than through them or as them… mmm, that’s wordy.  I think I’m losing my point.  It’s all the same.  Ha!  The blanket!  The blanket is everything!  Have you seen I <3 Huckabees? Don’t tell me you’re learning from me.  I shudder to think… but I learn from you too, so I’m glad I can give back.  I guess that’s what it’s really all about though… learning from each other and with each other… how else are we to make happy Pagans who know how to ask the right questions and have fun with Life?