So… just what is Love, exactly?

I love my Daughter.

I love chocolate.

I love my boot collection.

I love hot tubing.

I love October.

I love Scota.

I love purple.

I love dark beer.

I love horror movies.

I love my friends.

I love X.

 

I think this is where our language fails us.  How is it that we can use one word to encompass so much? How can we apply one word to boots and our offspring and our Partner and the Divine?  They are not equal. Not by a long stretch my friend.

All of my Life I have been unable to make a distinction between the love that I had for my friends and the love that I had for whomever I was in a relationship with at the time.  6 months ago, I had myself convinced that I was poly and that as such; I was hardwired toward a Life of multiple partners and could not be satisfied with monogamy.  Now, my logical mind says that monogamy is a choice, much like my sexuality I can be attracted to Women and Men and choose to be in a relationship with one or the other and be satisfied as such or visa versa. 6 months ago, I was in a polyfidelitous triad and resigned to live as such… unfulfilled maybe, but happiness came and went in degrees. Peaks and valleys, right?  Such is Life. So, logic aside, I lived in doubt more often than not.

Yesterday I realized, for the first time ever, that I feel a distinct difference in the Love I have for X and the love I have for my friends. Even for my Lady Ice who is closest to me than any other next to X. There is a difference. I remember, 5 years ago when the Collective was very new and J said to me “There is a difference.” In her love for me and her Love for K.  I didn’t understand then.  I said I did, but I didn’t, not really.

Now I understand.

What she meant was that she is “in Love” with K but not me. She loved me; no doubt. I know she loved me… maybe still does. But she was…is… in Love with K.  I understand now.  I understand because I am in Love with X.  For the first time in my Life, I am in Love.  And that is a strange and weird realization to come to at 32 years old with 3 failed long term relationships under your belt. Two of which were marriages.

So now I know what it means: to be in Love.

Now I know. And it is wonderful.

I’d like to be apologetic. To J and W, Thing One & Two, to K and J… I loved them the best I could… I just wasn’t in Love with them. Weird that I thought I was. It just goes to further the understanding of how Perspective changes everything. I’d like to be apologetic… but, I think it would smack insincere. I loved them.  I did the best I could. It just never was enough.

 

Some thoughts on transitions.

I have a hard time with transitions.  When things are up in the air and my day-to-day is sent into upheaval I get grumpy. I mean downright irritable. I don’t want to be that way.  I know that my attitude causes more stress for the rest of the family and that’s the last thing I want. So I’m working on it.

I realize that all of the choices of my Past have brought me to this place, to this time, to where I am standing now. And where am I standing now? On the brink of the Future, in a place of Infinite Potential. That potential will be fulfilled by the choices and decisions I make now, just the same as in the Past. I am trying to learn the lesson that one of my mentors pointed out recently; to “find the joy in anxious potential“. I think that, if I can keep in mind that understanding of Infinite Potential and keep striving to find Joy when that potential is anxiety ridden, that I can overcome and be the stronger for it.

 

Uncertainty sucks.

So does feeling bummed.

I hate my job but I’m having a hard time motivating myself to do anything about it.  I was sick and down for a whole frakkin’ week recently and as a result have some really piss poor grades in school for that week.  And I have a 30 day wait ahead of me wondering if he’s been served yet and if I’m going to get any trouble out of him over it.

So, blah.

Job won’t last forever. I have time to bring my grades up in school and I WILL pass my classes.  Not making straight A’s is okay.  And even if I do get trouble out of him I shall overcome.

Right? 

Right.

*deep breath* Just gotta keep my perspective.  Gotta keep motivated.  Gotta keep my head out of apathy.  I CAN DO THIS.

The SO’s and I are going to get a weekend in the mountains soon.  We need it.

 

Happiness.

I think it’s a multi-layered thing really.  Like an onion.  Or a parfait.  Everybody loves parfaits!  Right?  No… sorry, hehehe.  Right now I feel… strong… confident… I have this sense of… rightness… about where I’m at and where I’m headed.  Let me tell you… it feels good.