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I popped the top on the diet shake I stole from the refrigerator in the break room, sighed and clicked on the glaring green button that says “Begin Assessment”. Another hundred plus bullshit questions about how good of a person I am. Is punctuality a priority for me? How do I feel about stealing office supplies? Does stress affect my performance on the job? How do I deal with a co-worker who is overbearing, dishonest, mean? Does my mood affect how I treat customers? So, I dutifully click the radio buttons feeding them exactly what they want to hear. Hoping that I come across as someone they want to hire and not someone who is lying through her fucking teeth.

Does anyone really answer these things honestly? I wonder. What I really want to do is skip the whole thing and simply attach a note: “Hi. I’m a real person. Sometimes I’m late, but not often. I get sick sometimes too. And when I do I keep my ass at home in front of the TV. But that doesn’t happen often either, maybe a couple of times a year. If you treat me fairly & with respect, I will work my ass off for you. But don’t try to take advantage of me. That makes me surly & bitter. Treat me like a person, not a commodity. Try to flex your authority over me & I will push back. But treat me with consideration & respect and I will be loyal & dependable. I will look you in the eyes & answer you honestly. Do the same for me. I won’t steal from you if you don’t steal from me. I won’t lie to you if you don’t lie to me. You can rely on me, but I need to be able to rely on you too. I’m smart & capable. I’m upbeat & fun most of the time. I loathe insincerity. If you give me a chance, I won’t let you down. I’ll make sure you don’t regret hiring me. Promise.”

If I were to hire an employee my interview process would consist of tequila shots & a game of Apples to Apples. Or a jar of moonshine & tarot cards. Or maybe screwdrivers & Scrabble…

I am a Being of Darkness & Light.
My feet in the Shadows.
My head in the Clouds.
My heart among the Stars.
Never quite sure what’s Wrong… what’s Right…
always pretty sure it’s somewhere in between.
Somewhere in the Grey.