So… just what is Love, exactly?

I love my Daughter.

I love chocolate.

I love my boot collection.

I love hot tubing.

I love October.

I love Scota.

I love purple.

I love dark beer.

I love horror movies.

I love my friends.

I love X.

 

I think this is where our language fails us.  How is it that we can use one word to encompass so much? How can we apply one word to boots and our offspring and our Partner and the Divine?  They are not equal. Not by a long stretch my friend.

All of my Life I have been unable to make a distinction between the love that I had for my friends and the love that I had for whomever I was in a relationship with at the time.  6 months ago, I had myself convinced that I was poly and that as such; I was hardwired toward a Life of multiple partners and could not be satisfied with monogamy.  Now, my logical mind says that monogamy is a choice, much like my sexuality I can be attracted to Women and Men and choose to be in a relationship with one or the other and be satisfied as such or visa versa. 6 months ago, I was in a polyfidelitous triad and resigned to live as such… unfulfilled maybe, but happiness came and went in degrees. Peaks and valleys, right?  Such is Life. So, logic aside, I lived in doubt more often than not.

Yesterday I realized, for the first time ever, that I feel a distinct difference in the Love I have for X and the love I have for my friends. Even for my Lady Ice who is closest to me than any other next to X. There is a difference. I remember, 5 years ago when the Collective was very new and J said to me “There is a difference.” In her love for me and her Love for K.  I didn’t understand then.  I said I did, but I didn’t, not really.

Now I understand.

What she meant was that she is “in Love” with K but not me. She loved me; no doubt. I know she loved me… maybe still does. But she was…is… in Love with K.  I understand now.  I understand because I am in Love with X.  For the first time in my Life, I am in Love.  And that is a strange and weird realization to come to at 32 years old with 3 failed long term relationships under your belt. Two of which were marriages.

So now I know what it means: to be in Love.

Now I know. And it is wonderful.

I’d like to be apologetic. To J and W, Thing One & Two, to K and J… I loved them the best I could… I just wasn’t in Love with them. Weird that I thought I was. It just goes to further the understanding of how Perspective changes everything. I’d like to be apologetic… but, I think it would smack insincere. I loved them.  I did the best I could. It just never was enough.

Growing pains.

Is it possible for your heart to hurt from an abundance of Love & Joy?  Like growing pains maybe?  Or maybe this evening the lump in my throat and the rock in my chest are there because my baby turns 13 tomorrow… tonight, as I was tucking her in bed, she said to me “After tonight I won’t be your little girl anymore. I’ll be a teenager!”

It took everything I had in me to keep from crying in that moment.

My Punky is growing up. There’s nothing I can do to stop it. There’s nothing I can do to avoid it.

I think it best to weather this as I have all scary things in Life: grab a beer, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

I am enjoying Life. X & I have decided to get married, did you know? 11/5/10, yes sir. Always remember the fifth of November. I feel… relief. Is that weird? Among the happiness and giddyness and Love and Joy I feel relieved. Light. Like I am Home. I can kick my shoes off, get a drink, and relax. Finally. It is good.

And it begins… again.

Life is cyclical you know. I love coming full Circle. It lets me know I’m on the right Path… or something like that.

I started my Path as a Pagan a little over eleven years ago. I was 20 years old, married to my first husband, and we had a one year old daughter. I was green and naïve and desperate to feel connected. I did not feel connected to my husband. He was in the Army. I was a stay-at-home mom. We lived in Augusta, Georgia of all places and I was alone. I was introduced to Wicca through an (not so) old flame on one of my visits back home.  I began my studies in earnest, insanely excited about the possibilities that were opening before me as I read about the ancient and modern practices involved in various Pagan Traditions. I felt like I finally found my Way.

My husband did not agree.

We divorced two years later.

Shortly before my divorce I met my Teacher and began training with my Grove. They were my Family. During my training with the Grove I learned everything I know about Ritual. I went through my Element Walk and I worked through three degrees. I loved them. The Grove was my World.

My first Element Walk lasted four months. I’d always felt like my training was rushed. I struggled with Fire. Air too, but not as much. I’m a Cancer. Crabby Girl loves Water. No problem there. I’m grounded more than most people you’ll ever meet, Earth not a problem.  Air was a little more difficult, but I got it. Fire was difficult for me.  In fact, I didn’t really “get” Fire until well after my 2^nd degree. 

I never really had a High Priestess. There was the One who initiated me, but she did not train me and her involvement in my Life was peripheral at best.  She participated in my initiations and left my training to my Teacher. Now… well, now she won’t have anything to do with me because of my 2^nd husband.  I’m rambling now… my point is that it was in a Circle with her Coven that I first felt that I actually connected with Fire.

Three years into my training I received my 3^rd degree initiation and became High Priestess of my Grove. I received that initiation in the desert of New Mexico. It was mid June. The sun was just starting to set. The sky was an amazing turquoise behind the painful beauty of the red rock cliffs and the wind was blowing hard and straight. The wind is always blowing in the canyon. I watched as my Teacher cast Circle. I was there when he gave me 3^rd degree. But I couldn’t hear a word he said. I couldn’t feel him. I was alone with the Wind and the Desert and They were all I could hear. They were all I could feel. I was alone and I felt empty and I was confused. I should have felt connected to my husband. My Teacher. But I did not. I was alone. The Wind was all I could hear. 

Tonight X & I began our Element Walk together. We will spend the next few months working through Air. At the Summer Solstice we will move on to Fire and so on and so forth.  This was our first formal Ritual together. We worked skyclad and made Love as part of the Ritual.

To say it was Awesome is an understatement.

Tonight I felt connected. Tonight, I did not feel alone. I did not feel empty.

 I felt connected.

I’m looking forward to this Working.

Come to think of it, I’m looking forward to the rest of my Life. And I am not afraid, for once. I am not afraid.

It’s kinda funny, that.

I think it funny…

…that I’ve had 47 views on my most recent blog post since I put it up and not one comment.

Who’s reading, eh?

Of sex and magic.

Or magick, whichever you prefer. *shrug* Give it a name, right?

I used to live a magical Life.  I was in Circle at least twice a month, often more. My home was full of altars and shrines. It was guarded by magical Beings, hexed and sealed and protected. I walked with fairies and dragons. I had a partner, a Priest, who taught me and helped me build a foundation for my Spiritual Walk. I saw things, heard things, felt things, and EXPERIENCED things that go beyond the ordinary day to day existence. I lived on a plane where magic was a natural part of the Universe that flowed within and without me. Everything had a point and purpose, whether I could see it or not. Anything was possible. I lived in a World of Infinite Potential. I was plugged in… connected… in tune.

But the capacity in which I operated in that World was flawed. And soon it began to crack. And soon it began to crumble. And one day it fell down around my ears and, in what seemed to be an instant, it was left in ruins. When it fell, I thought part of me died with it. I’ve spent the last 5 years of my Life struggling to reconnect. Half-heartedly seeking a group to Circle with and/or half-hoping I would find another Teacher. For the last 5 years, not always, but more often than not, I have felt like I was merely going through the motions. I knew that magic was still there, still around me, still within in me, but I couldn’t reach it. Once in a while I could sense it, like catching a whiff of a perfume that reminds you of someone from long ago, from a faraway place. There were a handful of times I could grasp it for a short while… but it was like trying to hold onto a mist and soon I found myself searching again.

Recently I ended a five year relationship with two people that, once upon a time, were my best friends. They took me in when I was at the lowest point in my Life. They dressed my wounds, supported me, encouraged me, coddled me, and loved me. They were good to me. It seemed to me that they worked hard to make me happy. And I was happy, for the most part. But I was not fulfilled. There was something missing. I was missing the magic. That may sound bloody romantic and idealistic but I do not apologize for using the term, because that is the Truth. We could not connect. We could not create that which I was missing. And I don’t know why… it certainly was not for lack of trying. It just wasn’t there. But there was passion, by the gods, there was passion.  In the beginning that was enough to convince me to go for it, to try my hand at such an unconventional, and decidedly difficult, relationship dynamic. I mean, I was stepping into an already existing decade long relationship. Can you say “third wheel”? We met some issues, worked through them to the best of our ability, some sooner than later, and some later than sooner… some were never fully resolved. But we tried. Being with them helped me to learn a lot about myself, my habits – both good and bad, and my needs. They pushed my limits and tested my capacity for love & friendship.

This past Summer I took on a new magical name. The name I had was mine for nearly 10 years but I had gotten to the point where I wasn’t even using it anymore.  That person was gone. I had changed and I was still desperately trying to find that missing piece… trying to reconnect… to rekindle that spark and breathe Life back into my Spirit Self. It was right about that time that I began to realize that flame was indeed being kindled and my Life Path was being yet again pulled in another direction.

It’s funny… the roads that Life takes us down.

Last night, in the arms of my Beloved, I felt as if I were awakened. Last night, when we climaxed together, I felt our combined magic flow through me as if it were an electric current that shot straight up through my 7^th chakra and out into the Universe beyond.

I realize how this sounds; bear with me please, because I’m not just talking about really good sex.  I’ve had really good sex.  I spent the last 5 years in a relationship with two people who were more than happy to indulge any fantasy I expressed and who did it well.

This transcended anything I’d experienced before. This was Magic fueled by the inexorable symbiotic Love that we share. When we finished and collapsed, breathing hard, holding each other, gasping and sweaty, I breathed “My gods… that must be what it feels like to be a staff or a wand or athame. To be a channel for that raw energy… to have that power flow through you.”  X caressed my arm, tracing an endless infinity symbol on its skin like he does, “Like in your dream.” He said.

My dream?

My dream!

“I am the axis mundi!” I said, “I am the Creation and the Creator.” “Yes, Love.” He said, holding me tighter. And I cried. I felt something stir in my Spirit as an animal waking from a long hibernation and I clung to him and just absolutely sobbed and babbled a string of nearly incoherent thoughts and feelings as they bubbled to the surface. He held me and listened. Every word was nonsense but he understood it all. It was phenomenal; truly moving. It has been so long since I felt that Strength.

Soon, I will have a new home. A new Life. Soon I will unpack my Ritual Tools and my altars to put them in my new home. It is time to recharge them. To recharge me.

 It is time to reclaim my magical Life.

And it’s about damn time.

Goals for 2009 vs. goals for 2008

Last years list got about half-done. Here is this years list:

1) Get my own place – make it mine.
2) Pay off my debts – student loans excepted.
3) Get an internship.
4) Take as many roadtrips as I can afford.
5) Indulge my artistic side more often.

My goals for 2008:

1) Maintain Honor’s GPA in school.

2) Tie up my one remaining big loose end.

3) Research Maternal bloodline.

4) Make our household greener.

5) Get a job with a local Funeral Home.

What I got done:

1) Ha! not quite. But I did the best I could.
2) Done and done! Ramen!
3) Still stumped on Deli Stump. But still working on it. This is an ongoing goal.
4) Managed it for a while, will manage it again when I get my own place.
5) You’ll notice, this is on the list for this year too. Still working on that one, but it’s a closer reality now than it was this time last year.

Dictionary.com’s word for today.

Word of the Day for Thursday, January 1, 2009
wanderlust \WON-der-luhst\, noun:

a strong desire to wander or travel

Heh.

a rare lyrics post

because I felt compelled….

 Past the Point of Rescue – Hal Ketchum

Last night I dreamed you were back again
Larger than life again, holding me tight again
Placing those same kisses on my brow
Sweeter than ever now, lord I remember how
Couldn’t get enough of kissing, do you know how much you’re missing
No you don’t, but I do

The days like a slow train trickle by
And even the words that I write refuse to fly
All I can hear is your song haunting me
Can’t get the melody out of my head, you see
Distractions are amusing, do you know how much you’re losing
No you don’t, but I do

But I do, and I wonder if I’m past the point of rescue
Is no word from you at all the best that you can do
I never meant to push or shove you, do you know how much I love you
No you don’t, but I do

I swore I’d never fall like this again
Fools like me never win, came to my knees again
Can’t close the door on likely hood
Things might be just as good, I always believed they would
Gotta let your love invite me, baby do you think it might be
No you don’t, but I do

But I do, and I wonder if I’m past the point of rescue
Is no word from you at all the best that you can do
I never meant to push or shove you, do you know how much I love you
No you don’t, but I do

But I do, and I wonder if I’m past the point of rescue
Is no word from you at all the best that you can do
I never meant to push or shove you, do you know how much I love you
No you don’t, but I do
I know you don’t, but I do
I know you don’t, but I do

when it comes down to it.

I left because, in my heart, I really truly felt it was time.

I just suck at the execution.

I never meant any harm… I still love them.

Heartache and desperation do funny things to people. It seems.

New Years Eve 2009

This year I am alone. I’m sitting on my youngest sisters couch. I have had entirely too much red wine.

At midnight I hugged my family and wished them all a happy new year and texted all of my friends. No one has texted me back.
At the moment I’m watching some quasi-black chick on the Dick Clark New Year’s Special sing something or another… she’s cute. Her back up vocals/dancers are cute. I can barely hear them. That’s probably a good thing.

Tonight I’m broken hearted and scared and alone.

It’s ok though. This will be a trend for a while. It’s truly a new year. We’ll see what it holds in store.

Peace to your house. Be excellent to each other my friends.