Scattered

So… I’ve come to realize that I’m running too many blogs.  I end up repeating myself and/or trying to figure out where to post what. It’s frustrating me.

So, here’s what I’ve done.

Our Spiritual rants & rambles are on our Full Circle group page.

We both blog over at The Adventures of Cootie & X.

And we’re exploring our fascination/obsession (give it a name) for skulls at …of empty men…

X, of course, is still writing with Scofield over at BGTN and they are also marking out over wrasslin’ at a new blog.

As far as this blog goes, I’m gonna re-open the archives. Feel free to peruse at your leisure, if you so desire. But I’m not gonna post new stuff here anymore.

<3 Cootie

It’s a mini! muahahahahaha

Tags

crafty Cootie, DOD, minis, painting, skullies, sugar skull

make animated gifs like this at MakeAGif

Sun god

Tags

crafty Cootie, DOD, painting, sugar skull

Sun god skullie

(buy it on Etsy!)

It’s so good being green.

Tags

crafty Cootie, DOD, painting, sugar skull

I’ve been meaning to post this for a while. My latest skullie. <3

(buy it on Etsy!)

Dance, monkey.

Tags

irritants, job search, office blues, waiting, wanting, wishing

I popped the top on the diet shake I stole from the refrigerator in the break room, sighed and clicked on the glaring green button that says “Begin Assessment”. Another hundred plus bullshit questions about how good of a person I am. Is punctuality a priority for me? How do I feel about stealing office supplies? Does stress affect my performance on the job? How do I deal with a co-worker who is overbearing, dishonest, mean? Does my mood affect how I treat customers? So, I dutifully click the radio buttons feeding them exactly what they want to hear. Hoping that I come across as someone they want to hire and not someone who is lying through her fucking teeth.

Does anyone really answer these things honestly? I wonder. What I really want to do is skip the whole thing and simply attach a note: “Hi. I’m a real person. Sometimes I’m late, but not often. I get sick sometimes too. And when I do I keep my ass at home in front of the TV. But that doesn’t happen often either, maybe a couple of times a year. If you treat me fairly & with respect, I will work my ass off for you. But don’t try to take advantage of me. That makes me surly & bitter. Treat me like a person, not a commodity. Try to flex your authority over me & I will push back. But treat me with consideration & respect and I will be loyal & dependable. I will look you in the eyes & answer you honestly. Do the same for me. I won’t steal from you if you don’t steal from me. I won’t lie to you if you don’t lie to me. You can rely on me, but I need to be able to rely on you too. I’m smart & capable. I’m upbeat & fun most of the time. I loathe insincerity. If you give me a chance, I won’t let you down. I’ll make sure you don’t regret hiring me. Promise.”

If I were to hire an employee my interview process would consist of tequila shots & a game of Apples to Apples. Or a jar of moonshine & tarot cards. Or maybe screwdrivers & Scrabble…

I am a Being of Darkness & Light.
My feet in the Shadows.
My head in the Clouds.
My heart among the Stars.
Never quite sure what’s Wrong… what’s Right…
always pretty sure it’s somewhere in between.
Somewhere in the Grey.

‘Tis the Season: Keep Calm & Carry On

Tags

change, Family, home, Love, Occupy, wishing

I hate this time of year. The already difficult task of navigating traffic in this swollen city rises to ridiculousness and shopping of any kind becomes a competitive sport.

I hate sports.

Our consumer driven society ramps up to a feverish pitch and from every possible angle we are pressured to buy more, spend more, do more, donate more. Given the state of the nation right now that’s enough to drive a woman to shoot her kids & herself. In a welfare office. No really, it is.

The nights are long and the days are short. It’s cold. It’s wet. It is, all together, a recipe for depression. Or homicide. No really, it is.

I am tired. I am stressed. And yet, in the middle of all the madness around us, yes madness, I realize that my stress is just a small stress. A sneeze. A minor symptom of the larger illness that has taken hold of this nation.

It is 7 pm. I have been working over time at my job as much as possible over the past 3 weeks. I am working for our family. My Beloved has been attending school at night for weeks now and is currently holding a 4.0 GPA. He is working for our family. The sad irony of that is we are apart more than we are together.

And when we go home each night we sit together on the couch, in our little living room, in the house that our Friend has so graciously welcomed us into and comfort each other by the light of our Yule tree. We talk about the madness & shake our heads & hold hands. And we keep working for our family.

Our friends & family have fed us, clothed us, put a roof over our heads and helped us many times over without question or hesitation.  We do the same for them.  That’s not charity. That’s looking out for your people. That’s pitching in for the good of those you care about. That is Love in its very basic form. Someone smiles, you smile back. Someone falls, you help them up. Someone is hungry, you feed them.

I don’t understand greed.  I don’t understand why this has to be so hard. I don’t understand why I can’t get health insurance and why my husband can’t get work. I don’t understand why some of the men & women of my country are still being sent overseas to fight an imaginary war and still others are here fighting a different imaginary war in their own backyards.

But I do understand Love. That is why I keep working, keep pushing, keep trying, keep going. For the Love of my family.

I love you too.
Come, be a part of my family. Work with me. We could change the World together.

A picture is worth at least a couple of words.

Tags

moving on

Saturday night haikus -Cootie & X post-move-

Tags

drunku, haiku, Love, magick, moving on, Saturday night

muscles ache, contract
even after the heavy
lifting is done
~X

Tired,half drunk and
so in love it is scary.
Gods, I love my Life.
~Cootie

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Tags

crying, home, leaving, memory, moving on

Yeah, so I cried.

We walked through the darkened rooms for the last time. We took our marriage certificate & handfasting cord down off the living room wall. We turned off lights & locked doors & backed out of the driveway for the last time.

And I cried.

We will make this new place Home, yes.

But I loved that house.

Killing time.

Tags

irritants, procrastinating, waiting

Procrastinating? Is that what they call this? I look over my left shoulder at the stack of unwashed dishes, the order for that guy in Georgia that I haven’t even started yet, and the pile of boxes waiting to be filled with our belongings. Over my right shoulder is a phone I purchased & need to return to the mega-super-awesome-buy-it-now-cause-you-NEED-it electronics store and a pile of dirty clothes. I might be procrastinating. I also might be milking the dregs of panic free time I have left before things get crazy in a couple of weeks. Fuck it. Give it a name, right? I have a dozen things I could be doing. A dozen things that need to be done. “A dozen things that will still be there tomorrow”, I say to myself as I light another cigarette & pick up the video game controller. I have a shit storm of busy coming my way very shortly. Tonight I have Dresden Dolls, sweet red wine, Camel cigarettes and Bejeweled. Those gems aren’t going to match up themselves, you know.

Summer’s end

Tags

child fears, magick, memory, Summer

There’s a big fucking spider hanging outside my laundry room window. Its web is massive; covering practically the entire outer frame of the window. Yesterday, I stood staring in wonder at its belly. It is yellow & black. Its legs are spindly & long. It’s creepy. I love it.

As I stood staring, my heart beating loudly in my ears, I could hear echoes of my Mammaw’s voice from my childhood.  “Don’t show it your teeth!” she would say to us grand-kids, mischief glinting in her eyes. Bare feet would scuffle, vying for position, while dirty faces peered around one another trying to catch a glimpse of the “writing spider” on her web. We all knew the story.  We’d heard it many times before. If you show the writing spider your teeth, she would write your name in her web. That was bad luck. Very bad luck. So, we pursed our lips protectively and stared wide-eyed at the eight legged harbinger of doom sitting on gossamer strands completely unaware of of the fear, awe & respect she invoked in us.

I remember walking through a writing spider’s web once. I cried. Not because I was afraid of being bitten. Not because of the thought of those spiky legs scurrying around on my body. I cried because I was afraid she had seen my teeth & would write my name in her web.

Magick is born in the hearts & minds of children.

Haiku ~ Death to fleas

Tags

haiku, irritants, Summer

Fleas. Bane of Summer.
Oh, little biting insect
How I hate you so.

Dreaming

Tags

beach, beauty, wanting

Wishing

Tags

11:11, waiting, wanting, wishing

11:11

I close my eyes and hold my breath and concentrate. Time to make a wish. So, I do. I wish the wish I’ve been wishing every 11:11 day & night, on every shed eyelash, every birthday candle blow, and every twinkling star, for the last 7 years.

The thought made me look at the window. The blackness of the night presses against the glass. There are no stars glimmering tonight. The rain saw to that. A sigh escapes my lips & I look back at the clock. 11:13. Maybe I should go to bed. Maybe sleep will come tonight. Maybe… instead I switch off the light & switch on the television and fall into the mindless bliss of the chatterbox.

Haiku – Being Cold Sucks

Tags

cold, haiku, office blues, working Saturday sucks

Air conditioning-
Chills my nose and chills my toes.
Artificial cold.

Haiku – an Ode to Pizza & Beer Night

Tags

food, friday night happy, haiku, high-ku

Cheese melting, stringy.
Hmm, may be too hot to eat…
Ow. Glad beer is cold.

Listening…

Tags

Chakra Work, Dreams, Element Walk, Family, Life, Love, moving, spirituality, Work, X

It is Friday. I chose not to go into the office today. I slept almost 12 hours last night. I really needed it. This morning I am sitting in the quiet at my laptop drinking Sumatra coffee from a mug that was given to me by the HPs & HP of my coven just listening. With my ears I can hear my Beloved snoring from the bedroom, the sound of water trickling from the cats fountain, the low hum of the refrigerator motor, and the occasional sound of traffic from the highway. With my Spirit I can hear the turning of the cogs of the Universe and the waves of movement & change here in my own little World. I’m waiting & watching for the right wave that will carry us to the place we want to be…

I’ve been very busy. It has been nearly a year since I wrote anything here for my own personal blog. Today marks the one year anniversary of my Darlin’s movie website. Check it out www.bettergeekthannever.com. We are very proud of it. I am their BTS (behind-the-scenes) girl. It is a very fun place to be   It also happens to be the one year anniversary for our Ebay Store. We’ve been so busy with other things that we haven’t done much with it until the last couple of months, but it’s rocking now! You can see that website at www.fullcircleclothingandbooks.com. Full Circle is a long-held dream of mine. BGTN is a long-held dream of X’s. We’re working on our dreams. See how that works? It’s amazingly fun & fulfilling and takes a lot of work. A Lot.

In our Spiritual Walk, we are currently going through a Chakra Pathwalk with the Wheel of the Year. We just started the Heart Chakra. We have a blog for that too (Imagine that!) which we don’t update nearly as much as we would like, but it’s a good place to record our thoughts on the process.  We are simultaneously going through an Element Walk through Ritual this year with a couple of friends. We have one more Ritual for Air then it will be time to move to Fire. We don’t have a blog for that process, but we do have a Yahoo message board where we hold discussions and post our thoughts on that process… I feel a book being formed in my mind’s womb on the subject as well.

And we are making plans for the future. Nebulous, beautiful plans that are so real to us we spend hours talking about what Life will be like when we see them realized. Ever heard of a little coastal town in North Carolina called Shallotte?  Yeah, neither had we until about a month ago. Now we’re planning on visiting it later this year to decide if it’s somewhere we would like to live. We’ve decided that, once the kids graduate from high school, we’re moving to the coast.

It’s an interesting & wonderful place for me to be. Reveling in the Now and looking so very much forward to the Future.

So I listen. And I wait. And I work.

Today will carry me to Tomorrow.

And I am loving the ride.

The day of nine dogs.

Tags

Dreams, initiation, Life, magic, spirituality, X

I had an amazing dream a few days ago, right before waking. In the dream I was going through an initiation that was like a Coming of Age Ritual. It was a public affair & there were hundreds of people gathered in a large banquet hall. All the girls were brought through & the ones who were of age were separated from those who were not. All those who were not were seated amongst the adults in the crowd. All those who were were taken away & dressed in elaborate costumes that were part ritual/shamanic and part BDSM/fetish wear. The ritual very much like a fetish show, in that it was very sexual & exhibitionist in nature. I don’t remember much in the way details of it… in fact, I’m not even sure I saw much of it. I know that every girl participated… and it was sacred. It was beautiful. We (the girls) were venerated and regarded as the Goddess. Afterward we separated & mingled in the crowd. I was hugged & congratulated. People were weeping & smiling. One of my best friends, Mena, was there. She was crying & telling me how beautiful it was & how stunning I looked. I saw my friend & mentor, Jack, there as well. He hugged me & I told him how amazing it was to experience the pain & the pleasure and to have the entire Community bear witness to it. I left with X & went home… so it was a strange bridge of time & age there…

I woke feeling amazingly calm & whole. And AWAKE at 6:30 in the morning.

A few weeks before that, on Sunday June 27^th, X & I sat on the couch eating a quick dinner. It was going on 7 pm and three of our closest friends were on their way to our house to participate in a special Ritual. X’s 1^st degree initiation. He had been quiet and we hadn’t spoken much all day. I knew he was thinking on the Ritual so I gave him space, but as we sat eating together I asked, “Are you sure you want to go through with this?” He looked at me with a bit of surprise and I watched as a multitude of emotions, doubt, and questions wrestled behind his eyes. Then he spoke, “When I was a Christian,” he said, “I was baptized because there was SO MUCH pressure to do it. I don’t want to go through a degree system as a Pagan because I feel like that’s what is expected of me.”

We talked about expectations & standards and we talked a lot about the Tradition that we are building (our unTradition, as we have jokingly called it), have been building since we first started chatting via interoffice email about 3 years ago. And how the whole point, purpose, and design of a degree system is contrary to what we believe and what we’re working toward. Fuck the hierarchy! What we’re striving to build is a Community focused, peer led, cooperative Spiritual QUEST! EVERY day is an initiation! EVERY day should be an Awakening! As Grant Morrison said “There is only one day, there is only ever one day and it is today, the day of nine dogs, day of magicians, day of initiations”. We’re interested in walking with people of like mind. People who ask questions, who share their fears and their joys, who love and loathe, respect and disdain. The people who keep going, keep looking, keep trying. The walking wounded. These are our people.

X decided not to go through with the Ritual. We talked it over with our friends when they arrived and they were completely supportive, being a bunch of Pagans who’d never received degrees themselves. I am proud of him, as are they. He has his own stories of personal Initiation, amazing and sometimes terrifying moments of revelation, which I will leave for him to tell.

Remember, my Friends, “There’s no difference between fate and free will. Here I am; put here, come here. No difference. Same thing. Nothing ends that isn’t something else starting.”

Our sentence is up.

How about you?

***Quotes are from Grant Morrison’s amazing series, The Invisibles, which X & I refer to as The Book of Law. In this post I quoted from Volume 2: Apocalipstick and Volume 7: The Invisible Kingdom.

There’s a little zombie in every Woman.

Tags

Death, Goddess Worship, lyrics, spirituality, Thoughts on the World

Music is a wonderful, compelling, inspirational creature. It is capable of evoking memories, inciting emotion, telling stories, and expressing our praise/adoration/exaltation of that Higher Power that most everyone struggles to understand at some point in our Lives.

One of my favorite bands of all time is a Celtic-American Folk Rock band out of the mountains of North Georgia called Emerald Rose.  The first time I heard them was at a huge Sci-Fi convention in Atlanta. They were on the Concourse, I was merely passing through until I heard the lyrics “Never underestimate a Woman with the Goddess in her eyes!” blasting from across the room.

I stopped dead in my tracks.

“What is this?  What? Who is this band? I must know!” I seemed to say as I stared intently at the kilted, mullet bearing men on the small stage in front of me. So, I promptly claimed a corner of carpet for my caboose and, as is my habit, obsessively found out all that I could possibly find out about the hunky-fun men that are Emerald Rose.

In my quest to be their “#1 Fan” I attended MANY live shows. One of their songs, “Freya, Shakti” is their spin on a Pagan classic. The Goddess Chant.

Never heard it?  Here it goes:

Isis, Astarte, Rhiannon, Hecate, Demeter, Kali, Innana.

We all come from the Goddess and to Her we shall return.

Like a drop of rain flowing to the Ocean.

The boys of Emerald Rose re-envisioned the classic, adding different names for the Divine Feminine, and a few lyrical gems of their own composing:

Freya, Shakti, Hathor, Rhiannon,

Rhea, Maat, the Morrigan

Freya, Shakti, Hathor, Rhiannon,

Rhea, Maat, the Morrigan

Chorus:

High, raising up the Goddess

Oh, fill my soul

High, raising up the spirit

Oh, make me whole

She is a woman crowned with a crescent

She is the mother of all that lives

She is the Earth that is spinning in starlight

She is the Goddess of all that is

I know a woman stirring a cauldron

She is the source of the heart’s deep core

I love a maiden dancing in moonlight

She is the key to the ancient lore

In the hours that I have spent watching Emerald Rose perform this song live I have seen one recurring phenomena that begins as soon as the first cords are strummed; all the Women get up to dance. All of them. I have witnessed Women from newborn to white-haired Crones stand & raise their arms to dance and sing along with this song (the newborns, obviously, being supported by their swaying, worshiping Mothers). I have participated in a spiral dance no less than 50 Women long to this song. I have seen Women ecstatic, arms raised, eyes closed, swaying & gyrating in ways that would make nuns squirm: all in worship of THE GODDESS WITHIN THEMSELVES that this song invokes. It is beautiful, inspiring, humbling, and arousing to witness.

Last night I saw the same thing happen. At a Rob Zombie concert.

I shit you not.

This time, it was Living Dead Girl.  Yes indeed, every Woman in that Coliseum was singing, swaying, raising her hands, closing her eyes & absorbing it like a sponge. Many were raised on the shoulders of the Men they were with. Every Woman in that Coliseum just knew that he was singing to/about/for her.  Every Woman in that Coliseum was worshiping the Goddess.  The Death Goddess.

(Who is this irresistible creature who has an insatiable love for the dead?)

Living Dead Girl!

Rage in the cage

And piss upon the stage

There’s only one sure way

To bring the giant down

Defunct the strings

Of cemetery things

With one flat foot

On the devil’s wing

Crawl on me

Sink into me

Die for me

Living Dead Girl

Raping the geek

And hustling the freak

Like a hunchback juice

On a sentimental noose

Operation filth

They love to love the wealth

Of an SS Whore

Making scary sounds

Crawl on me

Sink into me

Die for me

Living Dead Girl

Cyclone Jack

Hallucinating Hack

Thinks Donna Reed

Eats dollar bills

Gold foot machine

Creates another fiend

So Beautiful,

They make you kill

Crawl on me

Sink into me

Die for me

Living Dead Girl

Blood on her skin

Dripping with Sin

Do it again

Living Dead Girl

Wikipedia lists 55 Death Goddesses:   Akka, Ala, Alaisiagae, Averna, Ayao,  Belet-Seri,  Chicomecoatl, Cihuacoatl,  Dea Tacita, Eingana, Erecura, Ereshkigal, Freyja, Gefjon, Hel, Hina, Hine-nui-te-pō, Itzpapalotl, Ixtab, Izanami-no-Mikoto, Kali, Kalma, Kebechet, Laima, Larentina, Leinth, Libitina, Loviatar,  Maman Brigitte, Mana Genita, Mania,  Marzanna, Melinoe, Meng Po, Merau, Mictecacihuatl, The Morrígan,  Morta , Neith, Nephthys, Nirṛti, Oya, Persipnei, Pinga, Proserpina,  Rohe, Serket, Setesuyara, Tia, Tlazolteotl, Trebaruna, Yami, Żywie.

I know this isn’t all of Their names… but They were present last night, in some form or fashion, They were basking in the glowing, fiery, rocking passion of the sweaty crowd in that Coliseum.  Last night, that smoldering pit of beer, sweat, and electric guitar was Their temple. Last night, I was awash and in awe of the raw primal energy that flowed around me through the singing; through the worship of a crowd that didn’t have a clue (at least on a conscious level) that that was what they were doing. It was strange. It was inspirational. It was exhilarating.

I haven’t seen Emerald Rose in about… oh, probably 3 years.

I think it’s time I paid them a visit.

The Castle of Wonder, Mercury Retrograde, and “the Five Year Curse”

Tags

Emotions, Family, Life, Love, moving, Work, X

We moved.  In case you missed it.

Our first place together was a shitty little apartment on the Northwest side of town. We loved it because it was ours, there was a good, cheap Mexican restaurant less than a quarter of a mile down the road, and the complex had a pool. Boat drinks anyone?  Yeah, we spent the Best Summer Ever in our shitty little apartment and were all set to spend another one there. Until a hole formed in the living room ceiling. Yes, a hole. The apartment had numerous water leaks come and go while we lived there. But the hole. That was another matter. The complex management handled the situation poorly and the maintenance guy patched the hole without fixing the leak. Our water bill DOUBLED that month, yet the management insisted there was no leak.

My ass.

We spent a month looking for a new home in Punky’s school district (that we could afford & fit the criteria) to no avail. We were down to the wire & there were two places we scheduled to look at. X threw a Tarot spread for some clarification & guidance. One, he saw, would belong to the person who asked questions about us, our kids, what’s important to us, what we want in a Home.

That one was The Castle of Wonder.

That one we moved into within a month.

The Castle of Wonder was built in the 1950′s. It is solid concrete. If the zombie apocalypse were to happen tonight, we would survive it. It has built-in bookcases & closets. It has a sunroom & a garden with raised beds. It has a huge living room & a car port & a one car garage. It is beautiful & everything we wanted in a home.

We got it at the price we wanted.

But it cost us a lot to move into.

Moving is expensive! Between the deposit, first month’s rent, last month’s rent, & moving costs, we dropped a lot of money in a very short time frame. As a result, we’ve been playing catch up. It’s a pain. It makes me grumpy. But we are almost there.  One, maybe two more paychecks and we should be back to normal.

In the middle of all this, trouble started brewing in my workplace. The owners of the company I am currently employed by are going through a divorce.

It has been ugly.

And, unfortunately, the company is caught in the middle of it.

As a result, I am looking for gainful employment elsewhere. The job market sucks right now, so I have been hitting the job forums every night, waiting on tenterhooks for a call. What I get mostly are the “thanks but no thanks” emails telling me that they have decided to go with applicants whose qualifications & experience are better suited to the job. But I did get one interview that seemed promising & today I received a call for a second interview. It’s a large company that is beginning a new initiative that I have the opportunity to get in on the ground floor of.

I am excited at the prospect of this job.

The second interview is scheduled for Friday. Yes, the day after tomorrow. We are on the tail end of one of the worst Mercury retrogrades that I have experienced in a long while. It’s been rough. X & I have felt like nothing we say or do comes out right & that most everyone is pissed or annoyed with us right now. We’ve decided just to lay low for the remainder.  But we are nearing the end. It goes direct on the 11th but I am feeling an upswing already. I’m hoping to ride that energy through the interview.

I have issues with the way many people use Astrology.

I know some people who don’t want to leave the house simply because Mercury is retrograde. I have known people who won’t undertake ANYTHING in their Lives without consulting the alignment of the planets & stars first. I feel that Astrology can be used as a kind of predictive tool, like the Tarot, to get a bit of a head’s up on possible influences. As above, so below. And visa versa. Of course, the one thing after another shit that’s been going on with us over the last few weeks has been enough to indicate that, the position of Mercury not withstanding.

Saturday was Beltane.

It was the six month anniversary of mine & X’s marriage.

It was also the would-have-been six-year anniversary of my relationship in The Collective.

Needless to say, it was a weird kind of emotional weekend for me. More than once this weekend I remembered K saying to me that, one day, I would do the same thing (that I did to them) to X. But then, I remembered X saying that he believes the best about me.  And it makes me smile.

I am happy. I am in Love. And I know that “the Five Year Curse” is broken.

Summer is about to begin, my friends. Expect great things to come.

I do.

Motherhood.

Tags

Family, Life, Punky

I just finished tucking my Punky in for the night. She is nearly 14 years old & she still wants me to tuck her in every night. We have a tradition around that. I help her straighten her blankets & sheets and hand her Mr. Snooze, the beloved, well worn teddy bear she’s had for years; then the ritual begins: Kiss, hug, Eskimo kiss, Butterfly kiss, BIG hug, then our secret handshake (which I believe no one else has seen except for X). She usually makes a big show of hanging on me and begging me not to leave (stalling the inevitable sleepy time) and sometimes, just sometimes, she can talk me into reading her a bedtime story or singing a song for her.

Nearly 14 years old & we still do this every single night that she is at home.

Nearly 14 years & I still humor her because I love her more than I love myself.

And I’m not sure how many more nights she will ask me to do it.

She’s growing up. Too damn fast. She started her period this past Summer & we had her Coming of Age Ritual shortly thereafter.  She’s had 3 boyfriend’s so far this school year and she’s interested in a new one now, only 1 day after dumping the most recent one.  We’ve talked about sex & what it means to be safe & smart. It embarrasses her, but I push the subject because I’m the Mom.  That’s my job. She talks a lot about what kind of car she wants to buy when she gets her license in a couple of years.  A COUPLE OF YEARS. Yeah. She also talks a lot about her children & her home. Once in a while she mentions a husband, lol.  I guess that’s my fault. Men in that position have come & gone in her Life. I hope she has better luck that I in that department… I hope she finds The One earlier in her Life than I have.

Tonight she talked me into reading her Dr. Suess’ Fox In Socks. She loves Dr. Suess. When she was very small I bought her a small collection of his books & we have read each of them together many times over the years. Ever tried to read Dr. Suess, out loud, while half-lit?  Yeah, I have.  Tonight I stumbled through the massive tongue twister that is Fox in Socks. She giggled & laughed out loud and tried to read some parts with me. Just like she always has.

Nearly 14 years old & we still do this every single night that she is at home.

Nearly 14 years & I still humor her because I love her more than I love myself.

And I’m not sure how many more nights she will ask me to do it.

I love my daughter. So much more than I ever thought was humanly possible. We take some things for granted. When I was a kid, and for years as an adult, I took my own Mother’s Love for granted. It was assumed. She is Mom, she loves me. Not much thought to it. As my Punky grows up, I hope that she doesn’t take as long as it took me to understand. I hope that she shows me more often that I have shown my own Mom…

But until time shows how that one will turn out… I will keep Loving her, as much as she will let me, and often more than she will let me.

Nearly 14 years old & we still do this every single night that she is at home.

Nearly 14 years & I still humor her because I love her more than I love myself.

And I’m not sure how many more nights she will ask me to do it.

The. Best. Year. Ever.

Tags

Family, Goals, Life, Love, X

NYE this year was a blast. X & I stayed at home with the Darklings. We drank some, made fun of J-Lo on TV, and cut up with the kids. Most of the documentation was video courtesy of Punky. I watched them earlier today and just cracked up. I don’t really have any New Year’s resolutions or “goals” per se. We have plans for next year, sure, most of which are already taking shape. But first, as per tradition, let’s take a look at last year’s goals:

- 2009 -

1) Get my own place – make it mine.
2) Pay off my debts – student loans excepted.
3) Get an internship.
4) Take as many roadtrips as I can afford.
5) Indulge my artistic side more often.

What I did in 2009:

1) I got my own place! And better yet, I got a place with the Love of my Life. It’s a wonderful townhouse in a lovely complex.  We have an oak tree at the front door, a garden on the back deck, dancing skeletons in the kitchen, a Jolly Roger in the living room, and purple lights in our bedroom. We have pictures & skulls & candles & gargoyles scattered throughout. It’s more than a place to live, it’s a home. It’s our home. We built it together & we take care of it together. I love it.

2) I didn’t pay of any debts. In fact, I racked up a couple more. *sigh* This one will be on this year’s list too.

3) I did not get an internship. I quit school all together actually. Instead, I’ve started working on a dream I’ve had since I was 17. You know, the kind of dream you have reserved for “someday” or “maybe when I retire” or “if I ever win the lottery”, that dream. Cootie & X’s Full Circle Clothing & Books was officially opened this year. We haven’t really done anything yet except file a bunch of zero’s with the IRS, started to put together some store stock, and bandy about a couple of logo ideas, but still we have started!

4) Road trips! We’ve been to KY twice, Chattanooga twice, Hot Springs NC twice, and Myrtle Beach NC.

5) My creative energy last year has been focused on building our home, starting a business, & work through an Element Walk with X.

This year’s nebulous plans include working on paying off our debts, buying a car & a new laptop, getting the store up & running, and more road trips. And I’m looking forward to every second of it.

And there’s the obligatory New Year’s blog post.

Regular blogging will resume shortly. Thanks for tuning in.

Sweet William died for me today, I’ll die for him tomorrow…

Tags

Death, Emotions, Family, Life

Tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary of my Mammaw’s death. Her passing changed my Life. It really did. When she died I was right smack dab in the middle of a very tumultuous time and I didn’t know what I was going to do. When she died I spent a great deal of time comparing my Life to hers. I idolized her… I analyzed why. What about her was so wonderful to me? What about her Life did I admire so much? The answers helped me to realize that I was not where I wanted to be and was not headed in the direction I wanted to go.

I dreamed about her house a few days ago. My Mother was there and we were talking about her. It looked exactly as it did when she was alive. I know it doesn’t actually, but in my dream it did. Right down to the smallest details. I miss my Mammaw… very much.

If you missed it last year, here is the blog post I wrote after her passing.

I love you Mammaw. Thanks for everything.

PMS & Turkey: Thanksgiving for Cootie

Tags

Emotions, Family, Life, Love, Memories, thanksgiving, X

I’m 32 years old. At this point in my Life I’ve finally made peace with my period. Or, at least, as much peace as one with a relatively healthy reproductive system can make with it anyway. I never can freaking remember when that magical date is each month that it’s supposed to start, but X can recite it at a moment’s notice (he is the best husband ever, have I mentioned that?). However, I do know when I tear up at fucking AT&T commercials, it’s coming soon.

Last week on Thursday was Thanksgiving. On Wednesday I started my period. Needless to say, I cried a lot last week. I don’t fight it like I used to. Don’t get angry about it or try to hide it wrapped in something else. I’m a girl. I get hormonal. Whoop-dee-fucking-do.

At this point in my Life, in addition to being ok with the insanity of crying for no REAL FUCKING REASON for at least a week out of every month, I’m finding myself being comfortable with a lot of things I never was before. I’m moody, that’s ok. I’m getting better at recognizing triggers for my mood swings. When I feel like it, I let them go. When I don’t, I don’t. I understand now that is my choice. I have a corny sense of humor & I laugh loudly. I cackle even. It’s a wicked sort of appreciative laugh. I am indulgent of my own whims and the whims of those I love. Self discipline isn’t really in my vocabulary. As a result, my weight yo-yo’s between 150 to 175 depending on the time of year & my stress levels. Additionally, my accounting skills leave something to be desired.  I hate balancing the checkbook. So I really just don’t. We fly by the seat of our pants with our bank accounts and sometimes have to pay for it.  I drink a lot. More than some, less than others.  I cuss like a sailor.  A pirate even. Some people are REALLY uncomfortable with that and I have a difficult time censoring myself… especially around those people.  I love my family. They are very conservative Christians and we have very different views on Religion & Politics, but I love them. And they Love me. I’ve missed having a good relationship with them over the past… oh… 17 or 18 years. I’m glad to be developing that with them again now.  All of these things, and more, make up who I am.

If I like you, if I’m interested in you at all, I want you to like me. I have a propensity for behaving/talking/acting in a way that will make you like me. I’m pretty good at it. I guarantee that if I have met you, I’ve done it with you at some point or another. At this point of my Life, I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to pretend 8 hours a day 5 days a week at work. I don’t want to pretend around people who are supposed to be my friends. I don’t want to pretend around family. And I ESPECIALLY don’t want to come home and pretend. So I don’t anymore. Well… I still have to at work sometimes. All of us has to sacrifice a bit of ourselves on the altar of  Corporate America at some point and time. It brings in a paycheck.

I spent all last week contemplating the things I am thankful for this year and crying… a LOT. Every time I’d think about it, I’d cry. I cried at work.  I cried at home. I cried in the car.  And then I got blitzed on Sangria and sat on our couch and flat out WEPT at Fiddler on the Roof then passed out… still on the couch.

So, with no further ado, at this point in my Life (drum roll) I am thankful for:

• My Friends:  They are Awesome. Hoodie Mafia, Hoodie Triad, Hoodie Family, and most recently, Hoodie Mafia UK; my out of state friends (whom I don’t get to see or talk to nearly often enough) SpiritWheel Coven, my Weasels in Hotlanta, Skan & Steph in AR, my dear Jack in KY;  my Belle & Bella; and all my Twitter & Facebook peeps; you are smart & funny & inspirational. I depend on you on a regular basis for support & entertainment. Thank you for being part of my Life. Thank you for sharing your Lives with me. I appreciate you so very much. Thank you for loving me for me.
• My Family: Mom, the older I get the more I think I’m like you. I think about you daily and I hope that you know how much I love you. Dad, I’m still a Daddy’s girl. Every time you smile at me I feel proud & happy. Lauren, I love you so much.  I miss you. I hope one day we can be close again. Alisha, you are my little sister. I am SO glad that, after all these years, we are building a relationship. It means so much to me I don’t even have the words to express it. I know I’m difficult. I know sometimes I’m blunt & undiplomatic. I know I’ve done some crazy stuff over the years and made no apologies for it. But through it all, you have loved me. You have never turned your backs on me. Even when you didn’t understand where in the World I was coming from, you stood by me.  Thank you.
• The Loves of my Past: Gods…that sounds like some cheesy movie title doesn’t it? But I am thankful for each and every one of the people that I have loved & lost in the past. My first husband created Punky with me. You loved me with an intensity that would set a standard in my mind that I wouldn’t recognize until many years later. J, you were my best friend. Sometimes I still think about the days of driving around East Knox county in your little silver pick-up truck, listening to Nirvana and smoking camels. You taught me what it meant to embrace the simple things in Life and be carefree & indifferent to those things beyond my control. Rain, you…well, you were the one that got away. You were the only person I ever wanted, pursued, and didn’t get. You were smart & strong, creative & spunky. I looked up to you so much. And you are still my Friend, which is wonderful beyond words. My second husband, you were my Teacher. You helped me gather some of the most basic building blocks for my Spiritual Path. You taught me everything I know about Ritual. You encouraged my love for road trips, introduced me to hard liquor & BDSM, you opened the door for me to be the geek that I am today.  You taught me how to be cynical & hard. You crushed my naivete.  K & J…I fear this is still too close for me to be completely objective about…but you took me in at a time when I was shattered, vulnerable, hungry & hurting.  In bringing me into the Collective, you probably helped me more than anyone else to develop my understanding and appreciation of myself as an individual.
• My kids: Punky, we’ve been through some shit, you & me. I haven’t always been there for you like I wanted to be. I haven’t always put you first like I wanted to. I haven’t always been able to buy you the things you wanted, and sometimes I haven’t been able to buy you the things you need. I’m not about to win any Mother of the Year awards, I know this. But you make me feel like the best Mother in the World.  I am so proud of you… sometimes just looking at you makes my heart swell so much I don’t think I can bear it.  B, our Walk together is just beginning. I have adored you since the first time you walked into my home, hiding behind your Dad, trying to make yourself small. You are fun & funny & amazingly intelligent. I am thrilled to be in your Life & I love you for accepting me and blessing me with your affection.
• My X: My husband, my Beloved, my High Priest, Brother, best Friend, Lover, my Knight of Cups, my King Mob, my Partner, the Love of my Life, my Last One, Darlin’; and all of the other names that I have, and have not yet, given you. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You Love me without fail. You are patient & kind. You are strong & supportive. You have leaned on me and allowed me to lean on you as we have traveled together to this place & time where we both finally understand what it means to be whole & happy & fulfilled. You have built this wonderful home with me. You have laughed, cried, yelled, whispered, smiled, frowned, ran, crawled, danced & sang with me every step of the way. You have promised me your Forever & you have accepted mine. I am thankful every morning when I wake beside you and every night when I fall asleep beside you.  When we are apart nothing seems completely right and when we are together I don’t want to be anywhere else in the Universe. You are the embodiment of everything I’ve ever wanted/needed/desired in a Partner & more. You are perfect for me. And I am perfect for you. Ultimately, you have made it “ok” for me to be me. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for Loving me. Thank you for accepting my Love for you. And thank you for being you. Because I Love who you are. So very much.

Happy Holidays, dear reader. I hope that you are Loved & Blessed.

Be excellent to each other, my Friends.

Well, what do you expect?

Tags

Emotions, Family, Life, Love, X

Well folks, we did it.  X & I got hitched on Halloween in a wonderful ceremony officiated by three of our best friends. We were surrounded by people we love dressed in a multitude of Awesome costumes.  We had SO MUCH FUN! It was the perfect wedding IMHO.

Three days into our married Life together, the inevitable happened. I made a comment on Twitter about not feeling well and before I knew it we were balls deep in ribbing & teasing about being pregnant. On any normal day I could have taken that in stride, but that was not a normal day. At that point, I had been feeling queasy, head-achey, irritable, and emotionally raw for about a week. Hormonal, maybe. Emotional backlash from getting married a third time, potentially. Who knows for sure, but the ribbing continued and by 6:30 in the evening I’d had enough and had a bit of a breakdown. So I did what any unstable Woman would have done in my shoes, I went upstairs and took a shower.

While showering I pondered what it was about the playful teasing from the people closest to me that set me off.  I realized that for the better part of the last 9 years of my Life I have spent a lot of time and energy on wanting another baby. Sometimes very desperately, so that I became depressed over it off and on for years.  I know that my first husband would have given me another baby, had I stayed with him. I know that my second husband would have never agreed to it. He never wanted kids. In the beginning of my relationship with J & K, K promised me a baby. “You are going to have my son.” he said, and OH MY GODS my heart ached in my chest at the words. I clung to that promise like a life raft through the uncertainty, fear and heartache the three of us went through together trying to make that relationship work. But J wanted another baby. More desperately than I did it seemed some times… at least she was more vocal about it. Part of me has always believed she needed it to prove that she could. Part of me believes it was her way of establishing something with K that I would never have, whether it was a conscious effort or not will never be known.  Regardless of the motivation behind it, we supported her and worked towards making it happen, and it did. She had his son. She bore the baby that was supposed to have been mine. But I helped in the conception and gave him a name, I took care of him, fed him, bathed him, changed his diapers, played with him, LOVED HIM LIKE MY OWN… and now, I am not allowed to see him. I haven’t seen him, nor his sister, since February. And often my heart aches with missing them.

When I told K & J that I had fallen in Love with X and was leaving, K desperately and passionately tried to convince me to stay. It was so hard… it was heartbreaking on so many levels… much of our conversations happened in the middle of the night when he would wake me, unable to sleep in his distress, and try to nail down the issues, try to fix things, try to repair the irreparable… much of our conversations I have lost and cannot remember.  But I do remember a couple of things he said to me, probably because they made such a profound impact on me and my understanding of how it was definitely time for me to leave that relationship.

“We knew this was going to happen,” he said, “We’ve been expecting it.”  He explained that he and J had been wanting to Handfast to me but were “waiting for this to happen”. He thought of me as his Wife, he told me.  If I had only waited a little bit longer, he explained. If I had only waited?  What?! So, let me get this straight… you’ve been expecting me to cheat and fall for someone else for the LAST FIVE YEARS and it was only AFTER I passed that test that you were going to make that commitment to me?!  It was only AFTER I passed that test that you were going to tell me how you felt?! Only then would I be deserving of the title?!  How backwards is it that you are going to wait until something threatens the relationship to tell someone you want to be with them for the rest of your Life?!

At some point after that conversation, I was sitting alone of the front porch, smoking & thinking. He came out to join me and, as was his habit, tried to nail me down to talk about what was on my mind. So I told him. I had been sitting there thinking about how badly I wanted another baby and was struggling with coming to terms with the fact that I wasn’t going to have one.  He apparently didn’t believe me because all hell broke loose after that, none of which is pertinent to this particular story…

Expectation rules Perception.

They spent our entire relationship expecting me to stray. I went into that relationship expecting the home & family I’d always wanted.  At least one of us got what we expected…

X expects the best of me. He expects me to choose him, every day. I expect the same from him and we expect to spend the rest of our Lives together. I also came into this relationship expecting I would never have another baby.

X had a vasectomy shortly after B was born.  12 years ago.  When our friends were teasing us about being pregnant they educated us on a little thing called recanalization. Apparently, some men’s little swimmers have overcome the seemingly impossible and found a way back to the urethra, in spite of the vasectomy.

So, suddenly I was smacked in the face with a real, however remote, chance that I could, in fact, be pregnant. Given the fact that X & I are intimate when ever and where ever possible AND given the fact that our sex has been a large part of our Spiritual & magickal workings for the last 9 months, it wouldn’t surprise me one damn bit if it happened to him.

Well, fuck-a-doodle-doo, hail Eris.

The emotional whip-lash of that realization is what caused my anger at our friends. As misdirected as it was.  We Cancers, sometimes it takes a while for things to filter down and come to full understanding.

So, X & I talked about it. I really don’t want to actively pursue getting pregnant. That’s a whole mess of Crazy that I just don’t want to delve into. He could have a surgery to try to reverse the vasectomy, but there’s no guarantee that it will work. I don’t want to be artificially inseminated with someone else’s sperm. And neither of us are really keen on the idea of inviting one of our male friends to do the deed. So, we are left with the remote possibility that somehow one of his little guys makes it through and manages to find one of my little gals and by a near miraculous act 9 months later little Ripley is born.

After three long term relationships, years of on-again off-again bc, and many nights of using the thrills and spills method producing nothing, I’m ok with letting the Fates decide this one.

So, speaking of Love…

Tags

Emotions, Family, give it a name, Life, Love, Sex, Soul, X

…I’m getting married, in precisely… 1 day, 22 hours, and 54 minutes… so sayeth the Countdown Clock on my cell phone.

To say “I’m excited!” would be a severe understatement.

To say “I am excited-scared-happy-outofmymind-giddy-nervous-ecstatic-andbeyondunderstandablespeech” would be a bit closer.

Have I told you, dear readers, about my X?  I know that the last year or so of my blog Life has been sporadic and full of half-entries spewing whatever happened to bubble to the surface at the moment that I was feeling the need to blog. But have I really told you about my X?

…and immediately I struggle with words…damn the shortcomings of language!  Give it a name, right?  I will try…I will fail… but I will try.  He is smart, funny, sarcastic, handsome, thoughtful, romantic, considerate, respectful, genuine, caring, sexy… he inspires me, he makes me think, he encourages me… he Loves me, adores me, worships me, cherishes me… he cooks me dinner, he makes me drinks, he does laundry & washes dishes, he loves my family (!),  he decorates with me, he sings with me, he cries with me, he laughs with me, he will listen to me without talking, he will hold me without asking what’s wrong, he will drive when I need him too and let me drive when I want to, he is my High Priest, he is the Love of my Life, he is my Partner, he knows when to rub my back or when to rub my feet, he listens to my dreams and supports them, he expects the best of me, he takes pictures of me and brags about me, he LOVES MY KID and she loves him, he vacuums, he brings me sangria and chocolate, he will make Love to me and he will fuck me AND ALL OF THESE THINGS ARE SEPARATE AND CONNECTED AND IMPORTANT BEYOND WORDS.

In short, X has made me a believer.

Before his Love:

I felt the idea of “soul mates” was fairy tale-ish and immature. I thought the concept of “true love” was a simplistic and unrealistic idea. I thought happiness was what you made of it. I thought love stories were bull shit and I loudly heckled television shows & movies that portrayed romatic relationships. I struggled with the concept of romance and ridiculed myself for wanting it. I talked myself into a desperate place where I tried to balance deep thinking with shallow feeling.  I tried to drown believing with thinking.  I tried to hide myself from myself.

Now:

Well… if you’ve read my recent blog posts you know, I’m a believer.

And in less than 2 days, I will be Mrs. X.  Hail Eris.

I am a night owl.

Tags

Family, Life, Love, Marriage, X

And I work a day job.

Suck.

I hate getting up before 10 am. I don’t really get geared up and going until right around 4 pm. Then I’m jazzed until around 1 am.  It’s a grueling schedule when I have to get up at 6:45 am to get myself, my X, and my Darkling going for work/school.

So, case in point, at the moment I am emailing zip files to B. He got an iPod shuffle for his birthday and he needs MP3s.

What the Darklings need Cootie & X provide.

Thankfully, X is a night owl too. Of course, that just means working a day job is just as hard on him as it is on me.  Poor bastard.

This time next week, X & I will be in Wilmington, NC. At a resort hotel. With a private balcony overlooking the ocean. Does it get any better than that?  I think not, my friends. I think not.

In two weeks we are getting married.

Yeah. Married. The big “M”.

And I’m so excited and so happy and so In Love it’s nauseating I know.

I’m rambling now, so I’ll let you go before I lose you and me and everyone else in the ride. But let me say this, watch for the Future, Friend. It’ll be here sooner than you think.

A (sort of) recant.

I just realized my rant yesterday sounded like I was pissed at my co-worker. I’m not. He’s actually a cool guy. Strange in that I-wanna-know-this-guy way. He cracks me up. The rant was not directed at him, or the question really, it just got me thinking and I went with it. You know how that goes. *shrug*

Thoughts on sex with girls.

Tags

Life, Love, Sex, Thoughts on the World

How’s that for a title? The thought process started for me on Friday. One of my co-workers called me over to his desk, because, he said, I was the best qualified to answer his question. Knowing this person as I do, I rolled my eyes and walked over prepared for the worst. “So, you saw Ghost, right?” I snickered, unable to help myself. “Yes” I answered. “Ok,” he continued, “so you know that scene at the end where Whoopi let Patrick Swayze use her body so that he could have one last kiss with Demi Moore, right?” Again I answered, “Yes”. “Ok,” he continues “does that make Whoopi & Demi lesbians?” My answer was “No”. He wanted to know why not? I said “Because fucking a girl, much less kissing one, does not make you a lesbian.” He found that hilarious and, once the laughter subsided, he asked “Isn’t that kind of the entire point of being a lesbian?”. What? Really?! Is fucking a girl the entire point of being a heterosexual man? I guess maybe it is for some. But I have been intimate with a few women, not a lot, but a few, and I am definitely not a lesbian.
This just brings me back to a discussion I had in my Psych class a couple of years ago. To some people, sexual orientation is very black and white. You’re either straight or you’re gay. Those kinds of people don’t believe anyone who says they are bi-sexual. They call us delusional, liars; they say we are “experimenting”, or outright faking.

So, I have to wonder, in the minds of these kind of people… is the concept of sex with someone you care about so far removed from their idea of homosexuality? I know that sex does not equal Love by any stretch of the imagination. Sometimes you just need to get off. But sometimes, just sometimes, it’s more than sex. Sometimes it’s an expression of Love, mutual adoration, respect, and affection. Sometimes it’s magical.
At 32 years old I can safely say I am no longer experimenting with my sexual orientation. I am bi-sexual and I am in Love with a Man. He is the Love of my Life and, I am convinced, my Spiritual twin/Soul mate/what-the-fuck-ever.  Give it a name, right? But I have loved Women. I have given them all that I could in hopes of finding that connection, that level of intimacy and Love that I so longed for… and they have loved me, they best that they could.

Love is Love. So, fuck you.  Keep your labels to yourself.

The tick-tock of the clock is painful…

Tags

Element Walk, Life, school, spirituality, X

10 points – Name the song and the band. : )

Missed me?

I’ve been busy. Fucking hell.  Where to start?  Probably where I left off.  Or somewhere in between.

School just started back up again!   This semester I am enrolled in German I, Business Communication & Report Writing, and the same Math class that I took last Fall because I failed it. Blah. I’m thrilled about the German class. I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time. The Math class… well, you can imagine how excited I am to be re-taking that.  The Business class is a crock, but necessary for my goals. I changed my major! The dissolution of the Collective left me floundering a bit and questioning my goals & my direction for the future. The parting was such that it was made clear to me that I am to have nothing further to do with the Memoreum project, so I was left with the question: Do I still want to be a Funeral Director? The answer came as a resounding “No”.  That, of course, led to another question: So what the hell do I want to do then? After a lot of debate & soul searching I decided on pursuing just a general associates degree with a certification in small business management.

Why small business management? Because X & I are finally going to make our dreams come to fruition and open a store together!

Cool huh?  We’re going to start on-line, the Ebay store should be up and running soon. Our goal is to open it on Dia de los Muertos. We also want to set up our own website in conjunction with the Ebay store (Fire, are you interested?  Shoot me an email or give me a call when you get some free time. We’ll need a quote.) We’re calling it Cootie & X’s Full Circle, specializing in eclectic clothing and arcane books of the second hand variety. Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?  We’ve got our profile and Me page up. Check it out: http://members.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewUserPage&userid=cootiexsfullcircle . It makes me giggle every time I look at it. I’m so excited I’m practically beside myself over it.

Besides that X & I have a lot going on right now and are facing some big decisions that will bring major changes to our little family over the course of the next year.  But that’s ok, we’re ready for it.

We are getting ready to finish up Fire in our Element Walk and roll right into Water. It is fascinating to see how the Walk evolves and changes in each Element. Fire has been quite different from Air and I imagine Water will follow suit.

Hands down, this has been the best Summer of my Life. We spent a lot of time by the pool, boat drinks in hand, soaking up the Sun. I’m tan. Amazing. I haven’t been tan since I was 14 years old. We’ve played many a game of Scrabble and a few hands of cards. We’ve had amazing fun with Friends.  My relationship with my Family has grown stronger and healed so much.  I have re-discovered so many things that I love and had forgotten.  Oh!  And we expanded on our Bill & Ted’s philosophy to create the X & Cootie Credo!

1. Be excellent to each other.
2. Do what is necessary and be as polite as possible.
3. Find the positive. If you can’t find the positive, find the funny.
4. Whatever works.
5. Pics or it didn’t happen.
6. Be nice to old Gypsy Women. They can fuck your shit up!
7. When someone asks if you are a god, say “Yes!”.

We are forming some sort of Pagan/Discordian/Geek hybrid tradition here, and I love it.

I am very much looking forward to the Fall. It is, after all, our favorite time of the Year.

Hail Eris!

Hmmm…

Haven’t been on here in a while. Who’s still with me? Speak up now, don’t be afraid!

So… just what is Love, exactly?

Tags

Emotions, Life, Love, X

I love my Daughter.

I love chocolate.

I love my boot collection.

I love hot tubing.

I love October.

I love Scota.

I love purple.

I love dark beer.

I love horror movies.

I love my friends.

I love X.

 

I think this is where our language fails us.  How is it that we can use one word to encompass so much? How can we apply one word to boots and our offspring and our Partner and the Divine?  They are not equal. Not by a long stretch my friend.

All of my Life I have been unable to make a distinction between the love that I had for my friends and the love that I had for whomever I was in a relationship with at the time.  6 months ago, I had myself convinced that I was poly and that as such; I was hardwired toward a Life of multiple partners and could not be satisfied with monogamy.  Now, my logical mind says that monogamy is a choice, much like my sexuality I can be attracted to Women and Men and choose to be in a relationship with one or the other and be satisfied as such or visa versa. 6 months ago, I was in a polyfidelitous triad and resigned to live as such… unfulfilled maybe, but happiness came and went in degrees. Peaks and valleys, right?  Such is Life. So, logic aside, I lived in doubt more often than not.

Yesterday I realized, for the first time ever, that I feel a distinct difference in the Love I have for X and the love I have for my friends. Even for my Lady Ice who is closest to me than any other next to X. There is a difference. I remember, 5 years ago when the Collective was very new and J said to me “There is a difference.” In her love for me and her Love for K.  I didn’t understand then.  I said I did, but I didn’t, not really.

Now I understand.

What she meant was that she is “in Love” with K but not me. She loved me; no doubt. I know she loved me… maybe still does. But she was…is… in Love with K.  I understand now.  I understand because I am in Love with X.  For the first time in my Life, I am in Love.  And that is a strange and weird realization to come to at 32 years old with 3 failed long term relationships under your belt. Two of which were marriages.

So now I know what it means: to be in Love.

Now I know. And it is wonderful.

I’d like to be apologetic. To J and W, Thing One & Two, to K and J… I loved them the best I could… I just wasn’t in Love with them. Weird that I thought I was. It just goes to further the understanding of how Perspective changes everything. I’d like to be apologetic… but, I think it would smack insincere. I loved them.  I did the best I could. It just never was enough.

Growing pains.

Tags

Life, Marriage, X

Is it possible for your heart to hurt from an abundance of Love & Joy?  Like growing pains maybe?  Or maybe this evening the lump in my throat and the rock in my chest are there because my baby turns 13 tomorrow… tonight, as I was tucking her in bed, she said to me “After tonight I won’t be your little girl anymore. I’ll be a teenager!”

It took everything I had in me to keep from crying in that moment.

My Punky is growing up. There’s nothing I can do to stop it. There’s nothing I can do to avoid it.

I think it best to weather this as I have all scary things in Life: grab a beer, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

I am enjoying Life. X & I have decided to get married, did you know? 11/5/10, yes sir. Always remember the fifth of November. I feel… relief. Is that weird? Among the happiness and giddyness and Love and Joy I feel relieved. Light. Like I am Home. I can kick my shoes off, get a drink, and relax. Finally. It is good.

And it begins… again.

Tags

Element Walk, spirituality, X

Life is cyclical you know. I love coming full Circle. It lets me know I’m on the right Path… or something like that.

I started my Path as a Pagan a little over eleven years ago. I was 20 years old, married to my first husband, and we had a one year old daughter. I was green and naïve and desperate to feel connected. I did not feel connected to my husband. He was in the Army. I was a stay-at-home mom. We lived in Augusta, Georgia of all places and I was alone. I was introduced to Wicca through an (not so) old flame on one of my visits back home.  I began my studies in earnest, insanely excited about the possibilities that were opening before me as I read about the ancient and modern practices involved in various Pagan Traditions. I felt like I finally found my Way.

My husband did not agree.

We divorced two years later.

Shortly before my divorce I met my Teacher and began training with my Grove. They were my Family. During my training with the Grove I learned everything I know about Ritual. I went through my Element Walk and I worked through three degrees. I loved them. The Grove was my World.

My first Element Walk lasted four months. I’d always felt like my training was rushed. I struggled with Fire. Air too, but not as much. I’m a Cancer. Crabby Girl loves Water. No problem there. I’m grounded more than most people you’ll ever meet, Earth not a problem.  Air was a little more difficult, but I got it. Fire was difficult for me.  In fact, I didn’t really “get” Fire until well after my 2^nd degree. 

I never really had a High Priestess. There was the One who initiated me, but she did not train me and her involvement in my Life was peripheral at best.  She participated in my initiations and left my training to my Teacher. Now… well, now she won’t have anything to do with me because of my 2^nd husband.  I’m rambling now… my point is that it was in a Circle with her Coven that I first felt that I actually connected with Fire.

Three years into my training I received my 3^rd degree initiation and became High Priestess of my Grove. I received that initiation in the desert of New Mexico. It was mid June. The sun was just starting to set. The sky was an amazing turquoise behind the painful beauty of the red rock cliffs and the wind was blowing hard and straight. The wind is always blowing in the canyon. I watched as my Teacher cast Circle. I was there when he gave me 3^rd degree. But I couldn’t hear a word he said. I couldn’t feel him. I was alone with the Wind and the Desert and They were all I could hear. They were all I could feel. I was alone and I felt empty and I was confused. I should have felt connected to my husband. My Teacher. But I did not. I was alone. The Wind was all I could hear. 

Tonight X & I began our Element Walk together. We will spend the next few months working through Air. At the Summer Solstice we will move on to Fire and so on and so forth.  This was our first formal Ritual together. We worked skyclad and made Love as part of the Ritual.

To say it was Awesome is an understatement.

Tonight I felt connected. Tonight, I did not feel alone. I did not feel empty.

 I felt connected.

I’m looking forward to this Working.

Come to think of it, I’m looking forward to the rest of my Life. And I am not afraid, for once. I am not afraid.

It’s kinda funny, that.

I think it funny…

…that I’ve had 47 views on my most recent blog post since I put it up and not one comment.

Who’s reading, eh?

Of sex and magic.

Tags

magic, spirituality, X

Or magick, whichever you prefer. *shrug* Give it a name, right?

I used to live a magical Life.  I was in Circle at least twice a month, often more. My home was full of altars and shrines. It was guarded by magical Beings, hexed and sealed and protected. I walked with fairies and dragons. I had a partner, a Priest, who taught me and helped me build a foundation for my Spiritual Walk. I saw things, heard things, felt things, and EXPERIENCED things that go beyond the ordinary day to day existence. I lived on a plane where magic was a natural part of the Universe that flowed within and without me. Everything had a point and purpose, whether I could see it or not. Anything was possible. I lived in a World of Infinite Potential. I was plugged in… connected… in tune.

But the capacity in which I operated in that World was flawed. And soon it began to crack. And soon it began to crumble. And one day it fell down around my ears and, in what seemed to be an instant, it was left in ruins. When it fell, I thought part of me died with it. I’ve spent the last 5 years of my Life struggling to reconnect. Half-heartedly seeking a group to Circle with and/or half-hoping I would find another Teacher. For the last 5 years, not always, but more often than not, I have felt like I was merely going through the motions. I knew that magic was still there, still around me, still within in me, but I couldn’t reach it. Once in a while I could sense it, like catching a whiff of a perfume that reminds you of someone from long ago, from a faraway place. There were a handful of times I could grasp it for a short while… but it was like trying to hold onto a mist and soon I found myself searching again.

Recently I ended a five year relationship with two people that, once upon a time, were my best friends. They took me in when I was at the lowest point in my Life. They dressed my wounds, supported me, encouraged me, coddled me, and loved me. They were good to me. It seemed to me that they worked hard to make me happy. And I was happy, for the most part. But I was not fulfilled. There was something missing. I was missing the magic. That may sound bloody romantic and idealistic but I do not apologize for using the term, because that is the Truth. We could not connect. We could not create that which I was missing. And I don’t know why… it certainly was not for lack of trying. It just wasn’t there. But there was passion, by the gods, there was passion.  In the beginning that was enough to convince me to go for it, to try my hand at such an unconventional, and decidedly difficult, relationship dynamic. I mean, I was stepping into an already existing decade long relationship. Can you say “third wheel”? We met some issues, worked through them to the best of our ability, some sooner than later, and some later than sooner… some were never fully resolved. But we tried. Being with them helped me to learn a lot about myself, my habits – both good and bad, and my needs. They pushed my limits and tested my capacity for love & friendship.

This past Summer I took on a new magical name. The name I had was mine for nearly 10 years but I had gotten to the point where I wasn’t even using it anymore.  That person was gone. I had changed and I was still desperately trying to find that missing piece… trying to reconnect… to rekindle that spark and breathe Life back into my Spirit Self. It was right about that time that I began to realize that flame was indeed being kindled and my Life Path was being yet again pulled in another direction.

It’s funny… the roads that Life takes us down.

Last night, in the arms of my Beloved, I felt as if I were awakened. Last night, when we climaxed together, I felt our combined magic flow through me as if it were an electric current that shot straight up through my 7^th chakra and out into the Universe beyond.

I realize how this sounds; bear with me please, because I’m not just talking about really good sex.  I’ve had really good sex.  I spent the last 5 years in a relationship with two people who were more than happy to indulge any fantasy I expressed and who did it well.

This transcended anything I’d experienced before. This was Magic fueled by the inexorable symbiotic Love that we share. When we finished and collapsed, breathing hard, holding each other, gasping and sweaty, I breathed “My gods… that must be what it feels like to be a staff or a wand or athame. To be a channel for that raw energy… to have that power flow through you.”  X caressed my arm, tracing an endless infinity symbol on its skin like he does, “Like in your dream.” He said.

My dream?

My dream!

“I am the axis mundi!” I said, “I am the Creation and the Creator.” “Yes, Love.” He said, holding me tighter. And I cried. I felt something stir in my Spirit as an animal waking from a long hibernation and I clung to him and just absolutely sobbed and babbled a string of nearly incoherent thoughts and feelings as they bubbled to the surface. He held me and listened. Every word was nonsense but he understood it all. It was phenomenal; truly moving. It has been so long since I felt that Strength.

Soon, I will have a new home. A new Life. Soon I will unpack my Ritual Tools and my altars to put them in my new home. It is time to recharge them. To recharge me.

 It is time to reclaim my magical Life.

And it’s about damn time.

Goals for 2009 vs. goals for 2008

Tags

Goals

Last years list got about half-done. Here is this years list:

1) Get my own place – make it mine.
2) Pay off my debts – student loans excepted.
3) Get an internship.
4) Take as many roadtrips as I can afford.
5) Indulge my artistic side more often.

My goals for 2008:

1) Maintain Honor’s GPA in school.

2) Tie up my one remaining big loose end.

3) Research Maternal bloodline.

4) Make our household greener.

5) Get a job with a local Funeral Home.

What I got done:

1) Ha! not quite. But I did the best I could.
2) Done and done! Ramen!
3) Still stumped on Deli Stump. But still working on it. This is an ongoing goal.
4) Managed it for a while, will manage it again when I get my own place.
5) You’ll notice, this is on the list for this year too. Still working on that one, but it’s a closer reality now than it was this time last year.

Dictionary.com’s word for today.

Word of the Day for Thursday, January 1, 2009
wanderlust \WON-der-luhst\, noun:

a strong desire to wander or travel

Heh.

a rare lyrics post

Tags

Life, Love, music

because I felt compelled….

 Past the Point of Rescue – Hal Ketchum

Last night I dreamed you were back again
Larger than life again, holding me tight again
Placing those same kisses on my brow
Sweeter than ever now, lord I remember how
Couldn’t get enough of kissing, do you know how much you’re missing
No you don’t, but I do

The days like a slow train trickle by
And even the words that I write refuse to fly
All I can hear is your song haunting me
Can’t get the melody out of my head, you see
Distractions are amusing, do you know how much you’re losing
No you don’t, but I do

But I do, and I wonder if I’m past the point of rescue
Is no word from you at all the best that you can do
I never meant to push or shove you, do you know how much I love you
No you don’t, but I do

I swore I’d never fall like this again
Fools like me never win, came to my knees again
Can’t close the door on likely hood
Things might be just as good, I always believed they would
Gotta let your love invite me, baby do you think it might be
No you don’t, but I do

But I do, and I wonder if I’m past the point of rescue
Is no word from you at all the best that you can do
I never meant to push or shove you, do you know how much I love you
No you don’t, but I do

But I do, and I wonder if I’m past the point of rescue
Is no word from you at all the best that you can do
I never meant to push or shove you, do you know how much I love you
No you don’t, but I do
I know you don’t, but I do
I know you don’t, but I do

when it comes down to it.

I left because, in my heart, I really truly felt it was time.

I just suck at the execution.

I never meant any harm… I still love them.

Heartache and desperation do funny things to people. It seems.

New Years Eve 2009

Tags

Life

This year I am alone. I’m sitting on my youngest sisters couch. I have had entirely too much red wine.

At midnight I hugged my family and wished them all a happy new year and texted all of my friends. No one has texted me back.
At the moment I’m watching some quasi-black chick on the Dick Clark New Year’s Special sing something or another… she’s cute. Her back up vocals/dancers are cute. I can barely hear them. That’s probably a good thing.

Tonight I’m broken hearted and scared and alone.

It’s ok though. This will be a trend for a while. It’s truly a new year. We’ll see what it holds in store.

Peace to your house. Be excellent to each other my friends.

Good quote

Tags

Life

“There is guidance for each of us, and by lowly listening, we shall hear the right word. Certainly there is a right for you that needs no choice on your part. Place yourself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom which flows into your life. Then, without effort, you are impelled to truth and to perfect contentment.”
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Dictionary.com’s word of the day

jaded \JEY-did\, adjective:

worn out; tired, weary

The house on the hill.

Tags

Death, Family

Thursday of last week, on December 4^th my Mammaw passed through the veil. (And yes, I know there is actually only one ‘m’ in Mammaw but I’ve been spelling it with two my whole Life because that seems more grammatically correct to me and I’m stubborn, so there.) Some of you may have heard me talk about my Mammaw before, some may not. I have spent the last five years trying to mentally prepare myself for her passing.  Over the past few years she has slowly deteriorated as Alzheimer’s destroyed her mind.  It’s a terrible thing, to watch someone you love so much waste away so slowly. That is the only reason that, until last Tuesday, I hadn’t seen Mammaw in two years. I couldn’t bear it. My worst fear was to have her look me in the eyes and not recognize me. So, instead I chose not to see her. I chose to keep the memories I have of her close to my heart and wait for The Call.

It came about three weeks ago, from my sister.  “Mammaw fell this morning.” She said. Apparently she had two collapsed vertebrae. Whether that happened because of the fall or over time due to the severe osteoporosis my Mammaw had the doctors couldn’t say for sure. But there wasn’t anything they could do for it. She also had pneumonia so they doctors were going to give her some strong antibiotics and make her as comfortable as possible.  There isn’t anything else you can do for an 81 year old woman with two collapsed vertebrae really. After talking to my sister I turned to my friend Michelle, “My Mammaw is dying.” I told her. I knew in my heart it would be a matter of weeks.  And it was. They sent Mammaw home with a hospital bed and medication to keep her as comfortable as possible.

Monday night of last week my sister called me again. Mammaw was not doing well.  Her breathing was very labored and she wasn’t eating, they were barely getting any liquids in her at all and the hospice nurse said that she didn’t have much time left. Tuesday I left work early and went to her home for the first time in over two years. It was nearly bursting with family.  I saw aunts, uncles and cousins that I hadn’t seen in years and some little ones that I had never seen before. It was surreal. I walked around the house and the yard reminiscing about all the years I had spent there playing. I remember every single tree in that yard as if they were childhood friends, even the ones that had long since fallen or been cut down. My Pappaws old red Snapper riding lawn mower is still in the shed in the backyard. I’m amazed. I wonder if it still runs… I sat in the porch swing and remembered warm summer days spent there shucking corn and breaking beans.  I walked through her garden and remembered springtime when everywhere you turned something was blooming, bees were buzzing, birds were singing, and there was always a cat or two slinking around the yard waiting to catch one of those birds unawares. I sat in Mammaws chair at the same beat up old kitchen table that she’s had for longer than I’ve been alive. I ate peanut butter and crackers, Mammaws favorite bedtime snack, and looked around the little kitchen.  I remembered early mornings that would find Mammaw making biscuits by the sink.  I could see her standing there in her tattered old bathrobe stopping periodically to brush hair out of her face with the back of her hand and peer out the window at the rising sun. She would always hard boil an egg for me because I didn’t like them fried. Now I do, but back then they were gross, lol. Those were the days when I would actually eat pork. She always had bacon or sausage patties, or both depending on what Pappaw wanted. And she made grits.  I love grits to this day. When I was with Thing 2 I started trying to make biscuits but never really got very good at it.  I haven’t tried in a long time. Maybe I will again. You really can’t beat good homemade biscuits.

I loved helping Mammaw, whether it was working in the garden or with her flowers, or feeding the chickens or gathering eggs, or cleaning house or cooking, or if it was just sitting on the porch swing relaxing and looking around the yard at nothing in particular just reveling in the beauty of it.

I have a pretty large family and surprisingly enough, for the most part, we’ve all managed to stay close through the years.  Mammaw and Pappaw had 11 children, 24 grandchildren, and 33 great-grandchildren (so far). My Mom and Dad built a house next door so I literally grew up there.  Family was always around so I always had cousins to play with. Mammaw and Pappaw had this large wrap-around porch that provided an excellent place for the kids to play under.  The dirt under there was fine and soft and cool.  It was a perfect place to build towns and drive cars through for hours on end.  They had hardwood floors throughout the house and whenever Mammaw would do her Spring cleaning she would arm whatever grandchildren were around with Pappaws old tube socks and old towels and set us to polishing the floor. That was a blast, it really was.  Slipping and sliding around on a newly waxed wood floor with a half dozen other kids. I don’t know how she put up with that many kids around all the time, lol.  But she did.  She loved it.  At least, that’s how it seemed to us anyway. In her kitchen there are two columns of drawers that go from the floor up to the countertop.  I remember climbing up the handles on those drawers like the rungs of a ladder to sit on the countertop and watch Mammaw work in the kitchen.  Mammaw loved to sing.  When she wasn’t singing old church hymns you could hear her singing Barbara Allen or Pretty Polly or In the Pines.  They are old songs that most people wouldn’t know today.  But I know them, thanks to her.  Mammaw was a wiz with plants. She knew about home remedies and old folk cures.  She grew up on Lone Mountain in Claiborne County TN.  They didn’t have indoor plumbing up on Lone Mountain when Mammaw was a little girl. She lived through the Great Depression and World War II. She washed out plastic bags and pieces of aluminum foil to be re-used later. She composted. Grocery bags were her garbage bags. Lights were only on when they were needed. A wood burning stove was used to heat the house in the winter. She raised chickens for the eggs and for the occasional roast chicken for Sunday dinner. She drove herself to the same Church every Sunday for longer than I’ve been alive. She read her Bible faithfully every night before bed. She was loving and kind and charitable. And by gods she was Strong. For as long as I have been alive she has been there, in that little brick house on the hill, working in the house or in the yard in a dress, an apron, with her hair pulled back in a bandana. For as long as I have been alive she has had the same phone number, the same address, the same routine.  The day that she died I took the eldest darkling with me and we both went there and spent all day with her. We took her a bouquet of flowers, mostly lilies.  For most of the day her bedroom was full of her children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren.  We gathered around her bed, taking turns holding her hands or stroking her hair and we sang. All day long we sang for Mammaw.  I joined in hymns that I haven’t sung since I was a little girl. My voice is out of practice.  It was weak and unsure, but I sang none-the-less. Less than an hour after I left her that night she passed. But before she passed I kissed her forehead and told her that I love her. I am so glad that I spent that time with her and with my family. She was the one and only constant in my Life… and now she has gone.  I am so sad.  She has left a huge void in my Life.  I’m afraid this post has long since lost coherence, it started out with a poignant point but I think I’ve lost it in my remembering.  It doesn’t really matter though… not really. I miss my Mammaw. I only hope that I can live to be the Woman that she was.

A dream I had last night.

Tags

Dreams, magic

I was standing in front of a panel of instructors, teachers. It was an interview. They were sitting in chairs in a circle around me, raised on a platform I had a large knife in my hand that I’d just cut open a pineapple with and I was licking the juices from the sides of the blade. One of the instructors smile and averted his eyes, “You have no idea what that looks like”.  A chuckle went around the circle and I laughed.  “No, you’re right it is very phallic!” I told him as I licked the other side.  “But that is why we use the blade in magic.” He raised his eyebrows as did several other of the instructors.  “Oh?” he said, pulling out a notebook to take notes. “Yes, I said.  Sure the knife or the wand is supposed to be an extension of the arm to direct magic, but they are also a representation of the phallus which sows the seed for creation of Life.  I stand in a Circle, which is more than just a two-dimensional shape, it is a sphere which surrounds and encompasses me.  I call on the Power of Air, Fire, Water, Earth and Spirit; Above and Below, God and Goddess. All of these Elements go into creating the sacred space in which we work magic.  All of these Elements spin in this sphere of Creation.  All of these Elements focus inward to the center.  And what is in that center? I am.” I said, placing the palm of my hand on my heart. “I stand in the center of this Sphere of Creation that I have raised. I am the axis mundi. I am the heartbeat. I am the Creation and the Creator.“

Grief is heavy.

Tags

Death, Life, X

”Grief is heavy. Have you noticed?” I texted X on Tuesday.

“All thoughts and emotions have weight and substance” was his reply, “especially sad ones.”

 

I was sitting in the ICU waiting room at Fort Sanders with my friend Myst. Next to my Lady J, I am closer to Myst than any female.  She is one of my Chosen Family. She is a cornerstone of my Inner Circle. Tuesday my heart broke as I watched her struggle with the knowledge that her Mother was dying. I held her hand and we cried together, each grappling silently with the futility of wishing there was something we could do; each pondering the hard face of mortality that is often taken for granted.

 

Grammy held on until last night when she passed through the veil about 7 pm. I was not with my friend when it happened, but she was surrounded by her family, people who knew and loved Grammy in her Life. While I did not know her well, I thought she was a cool Lady. She always greeted me with a smile and her influence on the people that I love is apparent

 

A family dealing with the loss of a loved one is a very intimate thing. It is challenging, being on the outside of a grieving family; trying to figure out where you can help, when it is appropriate for you to be there, and what to say or not say.  It will be, I’m sure, a never ending learning process… but, in spite of how hard it is, in spite of how painful it is, with all of the families that I will be working with in the future facing the same thing I hope I never become numb to it. I hope that I can always feel it, always relate, always know… to somehow help. If by nothing else but being there to listen.

 

I love you Myst. Your sadness is my sadness. If you need me for anything, I will not be far away.  Just say the word and I will come.

Om Namah Shivaya

Tags

spirituality

I have an MP3 player that holds something around 450 songs. Music for me has always been close to my Heart and much of what I love, I mean REALLY Love, is akin to a Spiritual experience. Thanks to file sharing with friends, we have a large collection, much of it I’ve never heard and don’t know where it came from. A few weeks back I wasrotating out my music and putting some new stuff on my player when I came across a song I hadn’t heard before, didn’t know what it was, but thought I’d put it on the player and try it out.  So, the first time I heard it was at work. When it came on I seriously had to refrain from standing up and dancing in my cubicle, lol. It’s in Sanskrit though so I had no clue what they were saying. The chant has stuck with me, I find myself humming it in the shower and waking up singing it. So this morning I did a little research and thought I would share the inspiration with you, my friends.

Namaste,
Marianne

************************************************************************
Om Namah Shivaaya
Shivaaya namaha,
Shivaaya namah om
Shivaaya namaha, namaha Shivaaya
Shambhu Shankara namah Shivaaya,
Girijaa Shankara namah Shivaaya
Arunaachala Shiva namah Shivaaya

I bow to the Soul of all. I bow to my Self. I don’t know who I am, so I
bow to you, Shiva, my own true Self. I bow to my teachers who loved me
with Love. Who took care of me when I couldn’t take care of myself. I
owe everything to them. How can I repay them? They have everything in
the world. Only my love is mine to give, but in giving I find that it is
their love flowing through me back to the world…I have nothing. I have
everything. I want nothing. Only let it flow to you, my love… sing!

~Krishna Das

Om Namah Shivaya is known as the great redeeming mantra also known as
five-syllable mantra

The meaning : 
It means  “I bow to Shiva.” Shiva is the supreme reality, the inner Self.
It  is the name given to consciousness that dwells in all. Shiva is the
name of your true identity- your self.

According to Hindu mythology there are three Gods who run this creation.
The Brahma – who creates the universe, the Vishnu – who preserves the
Universe and the Shiva- who in the end destroys the universe. Among the
three deities, Shiva, though considered as destroyer, also symbolize the
- the inner self which remains intact even after everything ends.

In this mantra the chanter (one who repeats the mantra) bow to Shiva-
his true self.

Om Namah Shivay is a very powerful mantra. It has been said about this
mantra that if this mantra vibrates continually in your heart, then you
have no need to perform austerities, to meditate, or to practise yoga.
To repeat this mantra you need no rituals or ceremonies, nor must you
repeat it at an auspicious time or in a particular place.” This mantra
is free of all restrictions. It can be repeated by anyone, young or old,
rich or poor and no matter what state a person is in, it will purify him.

http://www.meditationiseasy.com/mCorner/techniques/Om_namah_shivaya.htm

Living with thanks.

Tags

Death, Family, gay rights

Yesterday morning J walked the middle darkling to the bus stop, like she does every morning. But yesterday middle darkling says to her mom “I miss Aunt Tony, Mom.  I want to visit him.  When you talk to him will you tell him I miss him and Love him?”.  J assured her that she would.

 

A little less than an hour later we received a phone call to let us know Aunt Tony had died unexpectedly of a heart attack the night before.

 

To say that we are sad is, I’m sure, a given.

 

Tony was a flamboyant and fun person. At family functions he always made sure to pull me and the eldest darkling out of the corner and make sure we felt welcomed. He always made us laugh. My only regret is that I didn’t have the opportunity to spend more time with him.

 

The title of “Aunt” was a bit of a tongue-in-cheek term of endearment because he was definitely “the bitch” in the relationship he shared with K’s uncle. They were together for 15 years, they had just celebrated their anniversary. But, because Florida does not recognize same-sex marriage, his body still lies in the hospital morgue while they try to get in touch with Tony’s “family”.  Not even in Death will they release him to the man who loved him and stood by him for 15 years of his Life.

 

To say that we are angry is, I’m sure, also a given.

 

Today the SO’s, the darklings and I are together at home sharing together in the Love of our Family and remembering Aunt Tony with tears and with laughter. 

 

Remember my friends, there is no promise of tomorrow. Love those close to you with that in mind. Live each day with gratitude and thanksgiving in your heart for the Love you are given. Remember that Love does not know any boundaries; not gender, race, religion, or nationality.  Gay rights are HUMAN rights and thus affect us all.

 

Namaste.

A mild irritant.

Tags

spirituality

So, I had something happen today that I want to get off my chest.  It is irritating me more than I think it should, so what is your opinion?

Meetup.com.  It’s a neat place.  You can look up people in or near your city with similar interests who want to get together and talk about those interests or wtf ever. I’ve been hiding in my little cave for a few years now, since the dissolution of my 2nd marriage and the Spiritual group we were a part of together. Now I find myself wanting to peek out a bit.  Find out who’s new, see who’s still around, and hopefully make some new friends.  I like making new friends.  So I set up a profile on Meetup.com, joined one group, and have been lurking. Today I signed up for another group. It’s called A.S.P.S. (All Spiritual Paths Sacred) and they have an icon that says “Coexist” that is circled by various religious symbols. Totally in line with what I believe and want to pursue. I posted my bio which basically declared that I consider myself neo-pagan and that my motto is “whatever works”. Now, I’ve had my eye on the group for a little while but had some trepidation because of the leader of the group.  He uses the title “Lord”, which is not uncommon in the Wiccan community but I find it smacks pretentious and digs at me.  I’ve met too many “Lords” and “Ladies” that haven’t earned the respect such a title warrants but demand it anyway. The “Lord” left me a message saying that “Whatever works is cool, but how about Whatever works and harms none?”.

*blink*

What?  Do I come off as newbie?  Did I ask for your not-so-subtle fatherly guidance? Did I say I’m Wiccan?  No.  I did not.

So, I’m irritated.  It felt to me like he was being very presumptious to tack that little Wiccan moral guidepost to my motto.  Though I do admit that I expected no less from what I’d assumed about him from his profile and other public profiles he has in the Community.  I also admit that I could be a tad defensive. I have more than a little anxiety at the prospect of coming out of my cave despite the fact that I really want to…

And I plan to.  In complete defiance of my Fear.  I plan to.  The World is full of assholes.  It’s like thrift store shopping.  You gotta be patient enough to wade through racks full of crap to dig out the real gems.

Start of semester jitters.

Tags

Goals, school

Yeah, they’re coming on strong. Already I feel my focus, time and energy being stretched in a half dozen different directions.  Time to pull in and hunker down.

I have Anatomy & Physiology I, Survey of Algebra, and History of American Funeral Directing lined up this semester. It should prove fun.

If you don’t hear from me often, be patient.  I’m riding the wave.

~Marianne

Marianne a Goddess?

Tags

give it a name

Has anyone heard/read about a Goddess named Marianne?  The book I’m reading made mention of a Sea Goddess by that name but I’m having a hard time finding any info online about Her.  I found her connected to a Goddess of Liberty venerated for centuries in France but that’s as close as I’m getting…

I did find this at http://www.birthvillage.com/meaning/Marianne though.  Sound like me? 

People with this name tend to be filled with the joy of life. They are quite imaginative and enthusiastic. They may fear routine and might lack self-discipline. Professionally, they can be successful as a press secretary, planner, or small business promoter.

(re)Learning how to pray.

Tags

spirituality

I’ve been on a quest for the past few years, actively working to strengthen my Spirituality and find my connection.  You know, that thing which inspires, encourages, and stimulates the curiosity to spur you to learn more, read more, experience more… events of Life have a way of pushing you off course from time to time, in my personal Walk I found myself WAY off course and feeling unfulfilled because of that.

I love neat little synchronicities that you can sit back and reflect upon.

I have been saying for a while that I want to work on reconciling my past in the Christian Church with my present Faith and have been taking small steps over time to do so. We started attending a UUC near our home. I was anxious at first. I had not stepped foot in a church except to attend the occasional wedding or funeral in many, many years and was unsure of what to expect. What I found was a beautiful congregation of humanitarians and liberal minded people who were just happy to have a place where they could gather together to worship and honor the Divine in their own respective and individual ways. A place where I could hear Rumi set to music; hear the pastor read from the Bible, the Koran, or from Buddhist teachings; where I could shake hands with Christians, Pagans, and Atheists alike on any given Sunday. I was impressed and we decided to become members of the Church.

A few months ago my friend, Jack Montgomery, finished his book and sent me a copy. Through its pages I was introduced to the traditions of the hexenmeister and the Pennsylvania Dutch.  I had been researching my family tree for some time up to this point and had just traced one branch back to Germany. That ancestor came to America in the 1700′s and the family lived in Pennsylvania for a few generations. I was very interested to learn of a magical Tradition that evolved from an era that I could connect to through my bloodline and perhaps connect with my German-American heritage in a way that is harmonious with my chosen Path. I read Strange Experience by Lee Gandee next and I’m very glad I did. I related so well to much of what he said in that book and I felt strangely connected to him. He made me laugh and cry and I found myself wishing I had been able to know him in Life… but I am grateful to have had the chance to know him through his writing if nothing else. A few days ago I finished reading a book called Hex and Spellwork: The Magical Practices of the Pennsylvania Dutch by Karl Herr, a hexenmeister that still lives and runs his practice out of his home in Pennsylvania. I have a decent list of books to purchase on the topic as well as peripheral topics that will keep me busy for a while. The tradition is very heavily steaped in Christian beliefs and I have (happily) found myself able to read and learn and get something out of these books without tripping over my emotional hang-ups about Christianity.  That makes me very happy.  I believe that to be a sign of healing.

A week ago on Sunday a man walked into the sanctuary of my church and opened fire on the congregation with a 12 gauge shotgun.  He managed to get off three rounds before church members tackled him and took the gun away from him.  He killed two and critically wounded six more.  My family was not in attendance that morning. The next evening we set up Circle in our backyard as we often do and standing there in Sacred Space with three of the people I am closest to in this Life we chatted briefly about our fear and outrage at this happening. Before Circle was closed, inspired by something I cannot pinpoint, we all held hands and I led a prayer to the God and Goddess to comfort and heal the Congregation, the Community, and our own hearts and minds.

Since then I have found myself praying a few times.  Some to specific deities, some to the Divine in general. It is comforting somehow to verbalize my thoughts, desires, fears to that Divine which I know is always with me.

So, I find myself conceding the fact that the Christians did get some things right after all.

Who knew? 

Breathing a sigh of relief.

Tags

divorce

It’s over.  Finally.  It’s over.

 

Now to mark that one off my list and look forward.

Today is better.

Tags

school, Work

Feeling less like I want to hide from the world.  Fall semester starts soon and that makes me happy.  I’ve felt like I’m wasting time this summer while away from classes.  Coming up I’ll be taking Human Anatomy & Physiology I, Survey of Algebra, and I found an Intro to Funeral Service class that I signed up for!  Very excited about that one for sure. 

Work is easy and uneventful.  Today I received kudos for having perfect stats and 100% on all my Quality monitorings for the week.  It is not a hard job, for that I’m thankful.

I’ve been working for some time on trying to trace my Maternal bloodline.  I’m stuck on my great-great-grandmother, Dellie Stump.  I’m thinking a trip out to the county where she lived and died is in order soon.  I found out recently that a fire in the courthouse there some time ago destroyed a lot of records.  I may be at a dead end… that would be a pity… but I’ve not given up yet.  Needless to say, she is haunting my dreams as a result.

 

Good night friends.  Be excellent to each other.

Sometimes I think,

Tags

hiding, Life

that it would be a good idea to hide in a cave for a couple of years and see if the air has cleared when I come out.

Can you relate?

Shaky is good. So sayeth the book.

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Chakra Work

My Women’s Spiritual Group started a Chakra workbook this week. Starting with Chakra One we will be working through each Chakra, one per month, and meeting for two group sessions per month.  Tonight I started doing the physical exercises for the 1st Chakra.

I can tell already this is going to an interesting few months.

My body is shaking… almost trembling, but not quite.  And I’m starving.  Seriously, hungry.  And the stirring energy at the base of my spine has me feeling… frisky… if you follow. 

I’ll have a more meaningful, in depth, post later.  Right now, I need to tend to my Body.  ; )

tick-tock… tick-tock… tick-tock…

Tags

divorce

I am SO close now I can hardly breathe.

Don’t want to talk about it much for fear of jinxing it.

On the edge… almost… there.

From my Brother, X.

Tags

music

another marianne song for the files…   Goodbye, Marianne by Leonard Cohen.  Come over to the window, my little darling, I’d like to try to read your palm. I used to think I was some kind of Gypsy boy Before I let you take me home. Now so long, Marianne, it’s time that we began To laugh and cry and cry and laugh about it all again. Well you know that I love to live with you, But you make me forget so very much. I forget to pray for the angels And then the angels forget to pray for us. Now so long, Marianne, it’s time that we began To laugh and cry and cry and laugh about it all again. We met when we were almost young Deep in the green lilac park. You held on to me like I was a crucifix, As we went kneeling through the dark. Oh so long, Marianne, it’s time that we began To laugh and cry and cry and laugh about it all again. Your letters they all say that you’re beside me now. Then why do I feel alone? I’m standing on a ledge and your fine spider web Is fastening my ankle to a stone. Now so long, Marianne, it’s time that we began To laugh and cry and cry and laugh about it all again. For now I need your hidden love. I’m cold as a new razor blade. You left when I told you I was curious, I never said that I was brave. Oh so long, Marianne, it’s time that we began To laugh and cry and cry and laugh about it all again. Oh, you are really such a pretty one. I see you’ve gone and changed your name again. And just when I climbed this whole mountainside, To wash my eyelids in the rain Oh so long, Marianne, it’s time that we began To laugh and cry and cry and laugh about it all again.

 

Another “Marianne” song.

Tags

lyrics

Only they spelled it “Maryann” but still.  This makes me silly happy.

“Butterfly in Reverse” ~ The Counting Crows

Maryann you’re better than the world
They took a lot of time getting it right on this girl
I said Maryann you’re better than the world
They did a lot of things right on this girl
I had a lot of girlfriends
I should have known them
Click your heels and count back from three
Do you want to go back
You should have known that
The butterfly in reverse here is me
Maryann you’re better than the world
They took a lot of time getting it right on this girl
I said Maryann you’re better than the world
They did a lot of things right on this girl
Where’d you want to go to
with nothing beside you
But webbing and curfews and rain
And everything that hurts you
Gets stuffed up inside you
Like butterflies with wings
or other perfect things
We go swimming in the sunshine
Dangling from clotheslines
Seperate and fall into me
And did you ever see me
Me absolutely
Me but all you but still me
Maryann you’re better than the world
They took a lot of time getting it right on this girl
I said Maryann you’re better than the world
They did a lot of things right on this girl did alot of things right on this [2X]
did alot of things right on this girl

 

A chance to breathe.

Tags

road trip, Work

My Lady and I were sitting at the kitchen table last night listening to Internet radio on Pandora.com (if you haven’t found it yet, go. It is wonderfulness).  I was having a bottle of one of my favorite beers, she was drinking her favorite brew, Mountain Dew, and we were chatting cheerfully about one thing or another when the phone rang. She checked the number and rattled it off to me, it was the number of the place I had interviewed with on Friday.  ”Answer it please.”, I said. It was the HR director, calling to offer me a job!

Rewind to Thursday. I was grumpy. Feeling depressed that I’d applied to so many different places and no one had called me back.  What does a girl have to do to get a job that is NOT in a call center in this town?! Feeling a little defeated I began looking through the customer services jobs. I knew that I am qualified and would get any job that I applied for in that field so I thought I would look through all the listings and pick out the ones that pay the highest and seem to be the least stressful.  The very first one I found STARTS paying more than I was making at my last job when I left after working there for nearly 4 years.  It was described as a “small” call center and is located just down the road from where we live.  I read the requirements for the position and somehow knew that if I applied I would get it.  I moved my cursor over the “Apply Now!” button and hesitated… “Do I really want to go back to a call center?!” I asked myself.  I reread the job description and decided to go for it, find out more detail about the position, and if it comes down to it and I don’t like the feel of it, I can always turn it down.  So I applied. Within 30 minutes I got a call.  She had to leave the office at 5 but she really wanted to get me in for an interview on Friday. There was a form I had to fill out and sign and an on-line assessment to take before they could interview me, so she emailed it to me. I finished both and sent them back promptly. She called me back to let me know I was the only one she’d ever had to make a 100% on the assessment, lol.  I got scheduled for a phone interview the next morning with the HR director. That call went very well, we walked through a mock call and she seemed impressed so she scheduled me for a face-to-face interview with the center managers that afternoon. I prepped, dressed, and put my game face on then got stuck in traffic.  I ended up being 10 minutes late for the interview.  10 minutes!  I couldn’t believe it, but hoping that I hadn’t ruined any chance I had, I gave the interview my best and then had to take 5 assessments in their office.  The first of which was a spelling test!  I laughed when she showed it to me and she looked at me questioningly.  “I’m a bit retentive when it comes to spelling.” I told her with a smile.  I didn’t mention that I will sit and play Bookworm for hours on my PC. (Yes, I’m a geek.  We’ve established this, moving on.) As I was leaving one of the ladies met me at the door to let me know that I did “very well” on the assessments and that once a decision was made they would be calling the candidates that very evening to let them know.  I left feeling pretty good about it, despite my tardiness, and thoroughly expected to get a call on my cell phone later that evening.  I even told my Lady, “I will be surprised if they don’t offer me the position.”.  But Friday evening came and went, as did Saturday, and I didn’t get a call.  I’d planned on calling first thing this morning to check on it and see if they’d made their decision.

I didn’t have to obviously, as she called me on Sunday night.  Turns out she had to leave work early on Friday and did not have the chance to call anyone.  I took the phone and went out to sit on the front porch to talk with her.  I accepted the position and set up an appointment for a drug screening today, thanked her and ended the call.  When I walked back into the house I shouted “I have a job!”, throwing my hands up in the air.  It was a great end to a great weekend.  Granted, it’s customer service, but it’s customer service for the government… yeah, I’m kinda sorta gonna be working for the Department of Homeland Security. Fucked up huh? I’ll be taking calls from businesses with questions about the new guidelines for the handling and disposal of chemicals. It’s verbatim scripting so it’s pretty much gonna be a no-brainer. It’s also a very small call center and the call volume is low to moderate. I anticipate being bored a lot, but with a much lower level of stress than what I was taking on before. It offers great benefits, insurance all around, and paid vacation and holidays. As far as a call-center job goes, it sounds ideal… posh even. We’ll see, of course, I haven’t started doing the work yet. But I think this is going to be exactly what I need to get me through the rest of my schooling.

Friday I took a roadtrip to my birthplace with a good friend of mine to shoot a low budget horror movie.  It was much fun. I can’t wait to see our death scenes.  I was stabbed to death.  She was strangled.  I came home tired and road weary, my clothes stiffened with dried fake blood.  It was good times.  : )

 

Dreams and the job search.

Tags

Dreams, Work

Looking for work is depressing. In case you didn’t know. I’ve sent out between 40 and 50 resumes over the last couple of weeks and haven’t gotten any calls except from temp agencies. Then after the interviews with said temp agencies. Nothing.  Ugh.

I have a handful of recurring dreams.  One of those involves touring downtown of a city that I love living near and there is always a dam with a walking bridge to it that I love visiting. I had that dream last night only the Counting Crows were in town for a show and Adam Duritz wanted to stay with locals to visit the city with and he ended up staying with us. We took him on a tour of the city, ate lunch at an awesome sushi bar and walked to the dam, then back to our house where he was admiring our book collection and telling us about a bookstore in New Orleans that he loves visiting when he is there… then the youngest darkling started crying for his breakfast and woke me up. 

I also had this severely bizarre dream where my maternal grandfather was still alive but he had cancer so they did a surgery to remove his heart and his penis.  But he was still alive.  I spent the entire dream at their house talking to my Grandmother and my Aunts trying to figure out how the hell he was still alive after they’d removed his heart.

 

Hormones and the drive to procreate.

Tags

Family

I had my child when I was very young. She was the product of my first love, right out of high school. For most of our Life together it has been just the two of us. Even when I was married it seemed that the family was V’d with myself at the crux of it; she and I on one side and he and I on the other. Still, through the rocky relationships and the alliance she and I shared I have always wanted another child. Even when it was completely against all logic to do so. But through the years I have always said that if I were to have another child it would have to be before I turned 30. Well, my 30th birthday has come and gone and since then I have still found myself, from time to time, wanting another child. Together, the SO’s and I have three children. It seems laughable really, even with the fantastic relationship we have, three children are a handful! Our youngest is two and a half. Many of you know what it’s like having a two and a half year old child in the house and those of you who do not have undoubtedly heard the phrase “terrible two’s”.  There is a reason that phrase exists. There is a five year age difference between all three of our darklings. It’s a good span I think. I love them all as if I had given birth to all of them and couldn’t imagine my Life without them… but, I think that three is enough. In my more… unstable… moments when logic falters and I find myself longing for the experience of carrying, birthing, and raising another tiny bundle of joy I remind myself of the con’s of such a course of action.

Number one, children are expensive. It seems we can’t leave the grocery store without dropping $250. Back-to-school shopping always finds us spending around $500, and the littlest hasn’t even started school yet!  Yule shopping is unbelieveable. We typically drop at least a couple of hundred at each birthday. And I can’t even begin to calculate the incidentals in between like lunch money, field trips, school fees, allowances, shoes (omg the shoes they grow out of so quickly!), etc. etc. etc. Number two, adult time. Yeah, it’s hard to have quality adult time when you’ve got young kids. Especially three young kids. We have to plan a month in advance before taking an overnight trip. A vacation? Take in a movie?  Dinner alone?  Those things require extensive planning too.  I’m not complaining, mind you, I’m just saying. Having another baby would be like starting all over again. Diapers, late night feedings, the crying, potty-training, school, not going anywhere for the first 2 years… ugh. It’s a lot. Each individual child is a huge investment of time and energy and money.

This train of thought comes and goes for me but it’s been brought to the forefront of my attention this weekend. We are babysitting my niece and nephew, ages 7 and 4. That’s five children in the house. Five breakfast/lunch/dinner/snacks to prep. Five baths/showers/hair-washings/teeth brushings to supervise. Messes to clean up, “Don’t do that!”‘s to yell, and a shit ton of toys to pick up. Granted the oldest has been helpful in supervising and picking up after the younger ones (I need to drop a few bucks in her hand for that) but still, it’s overwhelming at times. So, yeah… three’s company, five is fucking insane.

 

Some thoughts on transitions.

Tags

Emotions, Life

I have a hard time with transitions.  When things are up in the air and my day-to-day is sent into upheaval I get grumpy. I mean downright irritable. I don’t want to be that way.  I know that my attitude causes more stress for the rest of the family and that’s the last thing I want. So I’m working on it.

I realize that all of the choices of my Past have brought me to this place, to this time, to where I am standing now. And where am I standing now? On the brink of the Future, in a place of Infinite Potential. That potential will be fulfilled by the choices and decisions I make now, just the same as in the Past. I am trying to learn the lesson that one of my mentors pointed out recently; to “find the joy in anxious potential“. I think that, if I can keep in mind that understanding of Infinite Potential and keep striving to find Joy when that potential is anxiety ridden, that I can overcome and be the stronger for it.

The smell of beer, BO and pheromones.

Tags

road trip

Yes, you guessed it, I went to a concert last night.  The SO’s and I tripped down to Hotlanta to see my Lady’s favoritest band ever, Duran Duran. I like them well enough for my part but I admit that her presence in my Life has brought me much more exposure than I ever would have sought out on my own. We saw them in Columbus, Ohio about 3 years ago. At that time I didn’t know much of their music at all and had remarked about feeling like a poser lost in a sea of Duranies. This time I actually knew most of the songs and could sing along a bit. I danced and sang and shouted and had much fun right along with the other 30 to 40-somethings that were there shaking their asses and longing with every bit of their being for a chance to be alone with one or all of the hunky Brits that were on stage. I love live music. Truly I don’t even care what genre, if the band is good and they love what they do I can find some enjoyment out of it. But when they’re great, when they know how to engage the crowd, it’s truly phenomenonal. Last night’s concert certainly was.

We started the evening with dinner at a fairly decent Mexican restaurant with two of our very good friends who live near Atlanta. K introduced us to a new love of his, Mexican Mojito’s! Then we checked into the hotel to rest up a bit and get ready for the concert. My Lady was giddy and nervous and completely beside herself waiting for the time to come for us to go.  She looked stunning and was absolutely glowing.  K and I were tickled to see her so excited but we looked forward to it as well.  We knew from our experience in Columbus that regardless of how you feel about their music, Duran Duran knows how to put on a damn good show. So we prepped and the time finally came for us to make our way to Chastain Park.

We’d never been there before, so we had some awkwardness and uncertainty about where to go but we finally got it figured out, found a parking spot, and, with tickets in hand, made our way to the amphitheatre. When we saw them in Columbus it was inside a large auditorium, we had floor seats in the last row of the house.  Waaaay in the back.  This time my Lady got tickets on pre-sale through the fanclub so we were in the pit, 13th row.  It was the closest seats any of us had ever had for ANY show at such a large venue so we honestly didn’t know what to expect. The entrances to the amphitheatre are at the top and the seating basically goes downhill toward the stage so we began our long decent toward our seats. It seemed the closer we got the tighter my Lady gripped my hand and the bigger her eyes got. When we finally reached our seats she was nearly breathless, and not just from the 200 steps we’d just walked down either, our seats were a stones throw from the stage.  I laughed, “You’re going to be able to see Nick’s sweat from here lovie!” And we could. Sitting that close to the stage was nearly as intimate as having had them play a local bar or club.

We waited patiently for the show to start. The opening band was fantastic and a good warm up but it was clear that the crowd was there for one thing only, their Duran fix. Soon the lights dimmed and the first member poked his head out from backstage. This is what I love about a good concert. The energy level rises to near tsunami proportions and the moment the artist first arrives it is unleashed in a mad wave that crashes toward the stage.  The noise was nearly deafening. I could feel it vibrating inside my ears (which probably is NOT a good thing) and when the wall of excitement hit me my breath escaped me and tears filled my eyes as a huge grin spread slowly across my face. I know why it is so easy for people to get caught up in this lifestyle.

I spent a lot of time watching the people in the crowd around me. Most everyone danced and jumped and sang along, but there were so many that had their faces upturned toward the stage completely enraptured in their adoration and worship of the men that were performing in front of them. I saw women weep and scream uncontrollably. I watched and giggled and played along myself as the band pulled the crowd in and encouraged them to sing and participate in the concert.

They opened with my favorite song from their new album, The Valley.  It didn’t take long for me to dance myself into a sweat. I couldn’t possibly remember all of the songs that they performed, but it was a nice long show. I do remember that they played my favorite of all Duran songs, A View To A Kill.  And they played the first song I’d ever heard by them, Ordinary World. It was then that I sat down, closed my eyes, and sang along with Simon; remembering, for a few minutes, what it was like as a teenager sitting alone in the solitude of my purple bedroom, listening to the radio and writing poetry. *laugh* Later in the concert, I leaned over to kiss K and saw the Moon rising over the top of the stage and again smiled. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was the only one there who noticed that Moon beyond the musicians dancing and singing below Her.

It was a nice weekend.  I thoroughly enjoyed the brief get-away but now, I’m afraid, it is time to focus on what is ahead and get on with it. I’m going to focus the majority of my energy now to getting a new job; continuing my Spiritual work; and incorporating time for creative outlets for myself in my routine.

Oh, and this too…

Tags

lyrics

Wanna know where my name came from?

In case you missed it…

“Marianne” ~ Tori Amos

Tuna
Rubber
A little blubber in my igloo
And I knew you pigtails and all
Grils when they fall
And they said Marianne killed herself
And I said not a chance
Don’t you love the girls ladies babes
Old bags who say she was so pretty why
Why why why did she crawl down in the old
Deep ravine

C’mon pigtails girls and all those sailors
Get your bags and hold down won’t you just
Hold down cause Ed is watching my every sound
I said
They’re watching my every sound

The weasel squeaks faster than a seven day week
I said Timmy and that purple Monkey
Are all down
At Bobby’s house
Making themselves pesters and lesters and jesters an dmy
Traitors of kind
And I’m just having thoughts of Marianne
She could outrun the fastest slug
She could
Marianne
Quickest girl in the frying pan

Responsibility

Tags

Life

We are gearing up for a road trip to go to Atlanta this weekend.  It’s long over-due, I have to say. I feel somewhat guilty over taking a roadtrip while being unemployed. It seems irresponsible to me somehow when I should be conserving money… but I guess sometimes you have to be a little irresponsible to save yourself some sanity.

Unpacking seems to slowed nearly to a halt.  I think my motivation has run low… though I did make some curtains for the kitchen on Tuesday.  They look nice.

I feel sadly low on brainpower this evening.  It makes for a dull blog post I know. 

My Brother, X, is in the middle of something massive and he is texting enigmatic messages trying to tell me to wait for him to explain later.  Grrr.  I hate waiting when I’m worried.  It stresses me.

Ok… I lost my train of thought.  I’m about halfway through the Joseph Campbell book I’m reading.  I REALLY want to post a blog about that, but it’s going to have to wait a few days I fear. I just don’t have it together yet.

Oh well… goodnight my friends, be excellent to each other.

Inspiration…

is refreshing.

From my friend the English professor in Colorado:

“Which is the thing about potentiality, it never goes away. Not while you live and breathe. Not while you walk and dream…  It’s all far from over. Life isn’t just a cycle. It’s like a long run of parallel narratives, stories we keep telling with our days and our actions and our relationships, our diets, our brilliant plans, our mistakes, and even our successes. We never stop trying to live what we will be, what we want to be, nor do we stop living what we were, what we always have been.”

http://olddogpaw.wordpress.com/

School, books, and the Rule of Being Excellent to Each Other.

Tags

Goals, Life, Soul

I finally sat down and laid out a semester by semester plan for getting my degree. It’s not going to happen as quickly as I’d like. I had hoped to apply to the program come Spring of next year and get started in the Fall but unless I cram three classes into this Summer semester (which we would have to pay for) and another four into this Fall it isn’t going to happen. Given the stress I was under this past semester, I decided not to do that to my family ; )  So, finishing up my pre-requisites by going half time will put me graduating in 2011. Additionally, doing it in that time frame will give me time to pursue a couple of classes just for me, like German and World Religions so I’m kinda looking forward to it actually.

I just finished reading American Shamans, by Jack Montgomery. I recommend it to anyone interested in American folk magic, it’s a fantastic read following a man on his very personal journey from skeptical youth to an adult involved in the practice of Powwow. Now I’m reading The Inner Reaches of Outer Space: Metaphor as Myth and as Religion, by Joseph Campbell which also promises to be an enlightening read. I might have to put it down for a little while though, as I am anticipating another book in the mail that I bought on Ebay, lol. The aforementioned author, Jack Montgomery, was taught by a man named Lee Gandee, who wrote a book called Strange Experience that was published in 1971 and is no longer in print. Amazon.com had copies for sale from $40 – $210 for one in mint condition.  I found a copy on Ebay for $20.  Score! But reading Jack’s book has fueled an interest in me about Powwow and Hexerei, both magical traditions with German roots, so I have a long list of “to obtain and read” books from that. Last night I went to a local used book store with my Lady and got a copy of Joseph Campbell’s The Power of Myth (which I’d been wanting for a while) and another book called Mary Magdalene: Christianity’s Hidden Goddess by Lynn Picknett that caught my fancy. The story of Mary Magdalene has always been a fringe interest of mine but I’ve never dedicated any time or brainpower to studying about her. Of course, at this rate, I have reading material for the next several years already lined up.

My friend X and I had a discussion a few weeks back about ethics in magic.  We discussed The Golden Rule and The Threefolds Law; two rules on opposite ends of the Spiritual spectrum that are set up as guidelines for our behaviour toward one another. I’ve not been a fan of the Threefolds Law. To me it smacks more of a “hand of God” threat to keep one in line rather than a sound ethical reasoning. He’s not a fan of The Golden Rule (probably because of the Christian connotations more than anything else. Not saying I blame him, I’m just saying). Jokingly, he threw in Bill and Ted’s “Be excellent to each other!”.  I said why not? I think Bill and Ted hit the nail on the head. Just be good to each other and have fun damn it!

So, to each of you I say:

“Be excellent to each other!  And party on dudes!”

not-so-random randomness.

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Life

This is the blog post I wanted to write last entry when I was whining about being tired.  But I was SO tired at that time that I just couldn’t muster the brain power to write anything more than a complaint, lol.  However, we’re moved into the new place now, and I’m not quite as tired so here goes.

My SO, K and I were discussing the concept of pre-destination a couple of weeks back. It’s a concept I’ve struggled with often since I have been old enough to contemplate such things. I’m fairly concrete (well, as concrete as I get in beliefs anyway) in my belief that the things in my Life happen for a reason and that the people I meet come into my Life for a specific reason and purpose. I do not hold much stock in coincidence. And I am (and have been often in my past) comforted and strengthened by the thought that I am a part of a bigger picture, a bigger plan. That there is some Divine purpose for the shit that I go through. (and perhaps I’m just deluding myself, but bear with me here.) But on the other hand, I’ve always had issue with the idea that free Will is an illusion. That nothing I do really matters when it comes down to it because I’m not really making a choice; I’m just a marionette puppet moving along according to the design of some Divine puppeteer. (It sounds horrible when I put it that way, doesn’t it?!) The conversation was spurred by an email I’d received from one of my Aunts begging me to come back to Jesus and leave the “cult” that I am in because it will lead me “straight into the bowels of hell”.  Now, I’m particularly fond of this one Aunt and the email bothered me. She told me that going to hell is not in Christ’s plan for me. Now, my first question would be “How does she know what is in Christ’s plan for me?”. I have always held that a persons relationship with God is personal. It can not and should not be assessed, judged, or otherwise scrutinized by any one but yourself. Then I thought, “Well if Christ’s plan is for me to go to Heaven, then I have nothing to worry about because it will happen. And if Christ’s plan is for me to go to Hell, then I might as well live it up now ’cause I’m going there!” It’s laughable really, but that’s what it came down to. So, K and I discussed the idea of pre-destination once again (it’s actually been several years since we’d talked about it so we both had some new ideas and a new perspective on it). He compared Life and The Divine Plan to a written book. His point was that knowing that the book is already written does not make it less enjoyable, or exciting, or thrilling when you’re reading it. So the author has already written it, so some others have already made it to the end, so what?! You are still spurred on to the next page, the next chapter, eagerly reading to the very end when you stop and reflect on the story.

This concept was so profound to me that it brought tears to my eyes.

The next day my dear friend X and I were discussing the same topic, only we took it a step further. At the risk of sounding like Forrest Gump, I’m going to say that I think it’s a little bit of both. What if, we speculated, what if Life is like one of those Choose-Your-Own-Adventure books? You know, the ones that have a set beginning and a set ending but about fifty different ways to get from A to Z. What if the Life you come into, who your parents are, where you are born, what you look like, are all set.  And when you die, how you die, and what you accomplish before the End, are all set. But you have choices as to how you get there.  Do I open the treasure chest to see what’s inside or do I turn around to leave the cave and go back to the castle? In the end, the Pirates are still coming back for the damn chest and I still have to fight them but I can find out on the front in what the booty is, maybe even live high on the hog for a while before the inevitable battle! Ha! I crack myself up sometimes. But these are the things that I ponder when thoughts of the Universe creep into my mind. We all struggle to know the unknown, to define the undefined, at some point in our Lives. This blog is about what works for me.

the end of the day… the end of the week…

I’m tired.

And that is all.

What a complete and utter waste of your time that was.

Love me.  : )

Down to the wire.

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moving

So, we found a place.  It’s a very nice place too, it’s just on the opposite side of town.  Way further out than we’d wanted, but what do you do?  I don’t have to worry about the commute because my last day at my current employer is 4/30.  At the moment I’m recovering from a very nasty stomach bug… *shiver*  I’m better today but not 100% yet.  We’ve not even begun packing.  Two weeks left till moving day and I haven’t packed the first box.  *sigh*  It’s okay, we can pack in two weeks.  I just wish I hadn’t spent this weekend in bed, I could have gotten a lot done.  Oh well, packing party next weekend and we have time in the evenings to do stuff too.  We’ll make it happen, we always do.

Moving on.

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Family, moving

Moving on is hard when you’re forced to.  We spent the better part of today driving to the opposite extremes of town looking for a new home.  Out of all the places we’ve looked at we have narrowed it down to two that are viable options.  That doesn’t seem like a lot to me… especially considering we have so much riding on finding a place ASAP.  This causes a bit of stress.  As I’m sure you can imagine… both of these houses are way out on the West side of town too.  That’s the last place I would have picked to move to.  : /

Oh well, at least I know we’ll be together, come what may.

So, riddle me this.

You’re going right along. Life for the most part is pretty peachy. You’ve got a wonderful family, things are great in your relationship.  You’re living in a beautiful home, in a great neighborhood.  Kids are loving their schools and are making good grades. You’re making plans for the future and chugging right on with them. 

But your job sucks big blue hairy monkey balls so you decide to give notice and starting really crunching to find a new one. That same day, AFTER giving your boss your resignation letter, you find out that your landlord has decided to move back into the house that you are currently renting and you have 30 days to find a new place and pack up and move your family of 6.

So tell me… WHAT THE FUCK?!  Did I wake up in bizarro world this morning?!  I mean, shit… what god did I piss off?

You know what?

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Life

When I start throwing things out of anger, it’s a bad thing.  A very bad thing.

I realized today (finally) that my job is not going to get better.

I am not going to be able to hack it there until I get my degree.

I need to find a new job.  ASAP.

I’m going to miss working with the hoodie mafia….

That is all.

New music

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music

Is so much fun.

X made me a CD today.  It was quite the challenge looking up all of the songs because he did not include a list.  But look them up I did and I was successful, except for 2 of them.  So, okay X, the first song and the last song have eluded me.  What are they?  (I LOVE the last one, by the way, I really want to know who that is.)

Here’s the list of the others I got.  How much fun are these?!

Radiohead – High & Dry

XTC – Summer’s Cauldron

The Twilight Singers – Teenage Wristband

The Toadies – Possum Kingdom

They Might Be Giants – Experimental Film

Superdrag – Wrong vs. Right Doesn’t Matter

Wax – California

Grinderman – Go Tell the Women

The Smiths – Stretch Out and Wait

Nick Drake – Things Behind the Sun

PJ Harvey – Down By the Water

Tegan & Sara – The Con

The Beatles – For No One

A middle ground.

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Life

I just realized how up and down my posts are.  Right now I’m okay.  Kind of in between.  I’ve got a horrible cough that I just can’t seem to kick on my own so I broke down and filled the prescription for antibiotics that my doctor wrote for me a few weeks back.  I’m not depressed over my job at the moment.  Yesterday my attorney called to let me know that they were going to attempt to serve him one more time and if they couldn’t do it then we would serve by publication; which suits me just fine.

I got a new tattoo a few days ago.  It was much worse than the first one I got a few years back.  By “worse” I mean more painful.  The tattooing itself hurt more and the healing took longer too.    During the tattooing I was trying to describe it to my girlfriend who came with and was eagerly watching me for signs of fainting.  “It’s relative, really.” I told her laughing.  But it is, pain is relative.  When you’re new to pain it seems overwhelming and all consuming… like there’s nothing else you can think of or focus on.  Something else comes along that hurts worse and you realize that the first pain wasn’t nearly so bad… and so on and so forth.  Before long the pain is everything and everywhere and you become sort of… numb to it.  That’s when you know it’s gone too far.

Just a thought.

Uncertainty sucks.

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Emotions

So does feeling bummed.

I hate my job but I’m having a hard time motivating myself to do anything about it.  I was sick and down for a whole frakkin’ week recently and as a result have some really piss poor grades in school for that week.  And I have a 30 day wait ahead of me wondering if he’s been served yet and if I’m going to get any trouble out of him over it.

So, blah.

Job won’t last forever. I have time to bring my grades up in school and I WILL pass my classes.  Not making straight A’s is okay.  And even if I do get trouble out of him I shall overcome.

Right? 

Right.

*deep breath* Just gotta keep my perspective.  Gotta keep motivated.  Gotta keep my head out of apathy.  I CAN DO THIS.

The SO’s and I are going to get a weekend in the mountains soon.  We need it.

Don’t call me “Pollyanna”.

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divorce, Goals

My attorney called today.  They have the paperwork ready.  I’m to go to their office tomorrow to sign it.  It’ll be filed and he’ll be served at some point later this week or the first of next.  This makes me very anxious.  I worked a little bit of a candle spell tonight to help things along… bright yellow, sunshine and daisies, right?  Speed of light I’m thinking… no hidden agendas… smooth and fast.  Just like Marianne.

EDIT:  Damn.  That candle burned fast and completely.  Not even a wick left.  This is a good sign.

Lyrics inspire me

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divorce, Goals

Well, better put, I mostly listen to songs with lyrics that inspire me.  Tori, for example:

Yello bird flying
Get shot in the wing
good year for hunter
And Christmas parties
And I hate and I hate
And I hate and I hate
Elevator music
The way we fight
The way I’m left here silent

Oh these little earthquakes
Here we go again
These little earthquakes
Doesn’t take much to rip us into pieces

We danced in graveyards
With vampires till dawn
We laughed in the faces of kings Never afraid to burn
And I hate and I hate
And I hate and i hate
Disintegration
Watching us wither
Black winged roses that safely changed their color

Oh these little earthquakes
Here we go again
These little earthquakes
Doesn’t take much to rip us into pieces

I can’t reach you
I can’t reach you
Give me life Give me pain
Give me myself again

Oh these little earthquakes
Here we go again
These little earthquakes
Doesn’t take much to rip us into pieces

I found myself an attorney today.  As X put it, time to put a square knot in that loose end.

Some thoughts on Fear.

Some of those closest to me have already heard this story… some have not.  This is for those who have not.

There have been very few times in my Life where I have heard the voice of the Divine as an audible voice. I can count them on one hand. Two of those moments came to me when I was so afraid I couldn’t think about anything else. I still deal with Fear on a regular basis. It guides me… makes me cautious… makes me pause… and, from time to time, makes me stop all together.  But then I remember..  I was in the death throes of my 1st marriage and in the middle of the worst panic attack I’d ever had before or since.  I was curled into the fetal position in a corner of my house, all alone, crying, barely able to breathe or think, my heart careening against my ribs. I found myself repeating an invocation chant I’d written for my Patron Goddess over and over and over again.  I have no idea how many times I said it nor how long I lay there in the corner.  Time had no meaning and I was lost.  Suddenly I heard Her voice say “(my name), I am here.  I have always been here.  Now, what do you want me to do?”.  The panic stopped and just as suddenly as someone flipping on a light switch my mind was clear and I was absolutely dumb-struck.  What did I want Her to do?  I had no idea!  How stupid of me!  Here I had the complete attention of my Goddess and had nothing to say. I gathered myself together and began a long period of introspection and meditation.  I decided what I want and I have pursued it ever since.

Having Fear does not make us foolish.  Allowing Fear to hinder us, to paralyze us, to change us… that is the wrong Path.  The Fool does not know fear.  He stands with his foot above a precipice, his gaze fixed somewhere else, his mind beyond what is right in front of him.  Were he aware, were he to feel Fear of the fall he would no doubt alter his course.

Keep your eyes on the road ahead.  Allow yourself to feel the Fear.  Adjust your course as needed.  Then let it go.

Geeky giddiness.

I just bought 4 Neil Gaiman books on abebooks.com.

Me=tickled.

Happiness.

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Emotions

I think it’s a multi-layered thing really.  Like an onion.  Or a parfait.  Everybody loves parfaits!  Right?  No… sorry, hehehe.  Right now I feel… strong… confident… I have this sense of… rightness… about where I’m at and where I’m headed.  Let me tell you… it feels good.

A fire in the… head?

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Soul

All Bibles or sacred codes have been the causes of the following Errors.
1. That Man has two real existing principles Viz: a Body & a Soul.
2. That Energy, call’d Evil, is alone from the Body, & that Reason, call’d Good, is alone from the Soul.
3. That God will torment Man in Eternity for following his Energies.But the following Contraries to these are True
1. Man has no Body distinct from his Soul for that call’d Body is a portion of Soul discern’d by the five Senses, the chief inlets of Soul in this age.
2. Energy is the only life and is from the Body and Reason is the bound or outward circumference of Energy.
3 Energy is Eternal Delight.

William Blake The Marriage of Heaven and Hell

I love this passage.  I have not read the entire writing (though now I think I will seek it out and do just that) but this small bit of it has captivated my thoughts since I first read it last night.  In mulling it over the part where he says “Man has no Body distinct from his Soul for that call’d Body is a portion of Soul discern’d by the five Senses, the chief inlets of Soul in this age.” Is the part that has stood out most sharply to me.  I’ve been trying to figure out what, exactly, he means by that.  “Man has no Body distinct from his Soul” I was thinking earlier today that perhaps he meant that body and Soul are one, not separate, or perhaps inseparable. How can this be, I thought, if body and Soul are inseparable what becomes of that Soul when the body dies?  What then happens to that Soul that much of mankind believes to be immortal?  I have spent all of my Life believing that my body is but a vessel for my Soul.  Nothing more.  Just a shell.  This, no doubt, is carried over from my Christian upbringing and this is the first time I have truly ever questioned that or even, really, considered any alternative.  But upon re-reading the passage this evening the rest of that sentence caught my attention, “for that call’d Body is a portion of the Soul discern’d by the five Senses”.  That which we call “Body” he explains is a part of the Soul, part of the Soul which we perceive through our senses that he describes as “inlets of Soul”.  The ancient Celts believed the head was the seat of the Soul.  They described enlightenment and Spiritual fervor as a fire in the head.  It makes one wonder… if the body and Soul are one and indiscernible from each other perhaps, the body being merely a part of the Soul, is sloughed off at Death like a serpent would shed a skin. Perhaps the Soul does not reside in the head nor the heart… perhaps our whole being is our Soul.  Perhaps the mind works like a Spiritual CPU for the Soul, processing that information which is captured by our senses (personally I believe we are not limited to the five, but that’s another post for another day).  The idea of it interests me to distraction and has much potential for further understandings…

Wonderful moments of lucidity.

Tags

magic

They don’t come often, but when they do I hold on for dear Life and just let it ride.  I have some great friends at work. They are, hands down, the only reason I am not completely miserable in that Gods forsaken corporate American cess pool. I’ve had a bit of an emotional week revolving around my Spiritual Path and I’ve been in some deep discussions with my SO’s and my friends trying to work through a decision I was facing. Today, having made the decision, this came out in email with one of my very good friends. He humored me by speaking little and letting me get it out. I thought I’d revisit it and type it out here, maybe add to it if the Spirit moves me. He called me his “favorite existential detective” today, lol.  Thanks X.

Magic is born in the realm of thought, that’s the first step. But sometimes it’s difficult to move to the next.  Writing it down helps me focus my intent.  Whether it’s to finish a project, help a friend heal from an illness, or bring someone special into your Life for a fulfilling relationship; it’s all the same.  All goals have to have a starting point, steps along the way, and an end point.  And that’s really all it is when it comes down to it… just lining up the dominoes to fall where you want them to fall and hope that somewhere out there is a god that will smile on you and help a little along the way.  Someone very dear to me made the domino comparison to me a long time ago, years, but it didn’t make sense to me at that time… I just couldn’t grasp what he was trying to say, but now it seems crystal clear… it’s almost ridiculous how clear.  The problem lies in thinking that magic is separate from ourselves somehow… like we have to pull from somewhere without and that somehow, if we want it bad enough and concentrate hard enough it will happen… but it doesn’t work that way.  We have to work for it in the physical realm, mental realm, and the Spiritual realm… that’s the only way we can ensure the dominoes are lined up and what we desire comes to fruition. Our World today has convoluted that image.  People think magic is something only found in fairy tales.  We wonder at magicians all the while calling them illusionists.  We think that we can’t possibly do magic even if it is “real”.  We think that “reality” is something outside of us and our control rather than something we create.  But thatis the real illusion. The only step up magicians have on us is that they know how the feat is performed.  They created it in the mental and physical world and perfected it to a level that seems somehow supernatural to the unknowing observer.  Many people in the World are starving because they’ve dedicated so much time and energy to trying to perfect their work on the physical and mental realms but have neglected the Spiritual.  We go day to day believing that there is something “out there” but don’t take the time to try and commune with it… but “it” isn’t “out there” either !  It’s within us.  The Divine Creator is within and around all of us.  God is not a separate entity sitting somewhere far removed observing and directing us.  God is here.  God is within you and within me and the Earth beneath us and the Sky above us and the sun and the moon and the rain… Woo, I need to stop before I get dizzy!  But then even those people who believe God is separate from us seem to be happier and lead more fulfilled Lives if they have a healthy Spiritual Life.  If they take the time to maintain the balance between the three.  They see the dominoes too, they just believe that God set them up apart from them rather than through them or as them… mmm, that’s wordy.  I think I’m losing my point.  It’s all the same.  Ha!  The blanket!  The blanket is everything!  Have you seen I <3 Huckabees? Don’t tell me you’re learning from me.  I shudder to think… but I learn from you too, so I’m glad I can give back.  I guess that’s what it’s really all about though… learning from each other and with each other… how else are we to make happy Pagans who know how to ask the right questions and have fun with Life?

When you’re forced to stop and think,

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Thoughts on the World

it’s amazing what comes out.  I like these moments though.  I’m a pretty opinionated person and it’s good for me to be forced to stop and think about why I feel the way I do from time to time.  A few days ago my mother sent me an email with an anti-Muslim article attached to it.  There was no message from her, just the attachment.  I wonder… if my mother sent it to me because she doesn’t know me or if it’s because she wants to get to know me and wonders what I think of it or if I would even respond.  Well, respond I did.  In fact I wrote a pretty lengthy response to it.  I thought that, for posterities sake, I would post it here as well.  The first is the article I was sent.  The second is my response to it.  Enjoy!

 ALL EUROPEAN LIFE DIED IN AUSCHWITZ The following is a copy of an article written by Spanish writer Sebastian Vilar Rodrigez and published in a Spanish newspaper on 5-22-07. It doesn’t take much imagination to extrapolate the message to the rest of Europe - and possibly to the rest of the world.
=====================================================

REMEMBER AS YOU READ — IT WAS IN A SPANISH PAPER Date: Tue, 22 May 2007 14:30:20 -0500

ALL EUROPEAN LIFE DIED IN AUSCHWITZ By Sebastian Vilar Rodrigez(*)I walked down the street in Barcelona, and suddenly discovered a terrible truth – Europe died in Auschwitz . We killed six million Jews and replaced them with 20 million Muslims. In Auschwitz we burned a culture, thought, creativity, talent. We destroyed the chosen people, truly chosen, because they produced great and wonderful people who changed the world.The contribution of this people is felt in all areas of life: science, art, international trade, and above all, as the conscience of the world. These are the people we burned.And under the pretense of tolerance, and because we wanted to prove to ourselves that we were cured of the disease of racism, we opened our gates to 20 million Muslims, who brought us stupidity and ignorance, religious extremism and lack of tolerance, crime and poverty, due to an unwillingness to work and support their families with pride.They have blown up our trains and turned our beautiful Spanish cities into the third world, drowning in filth and crimeShut up in the apartments they receive free from the government, they plan the murder and destruction of their naive hosts.And thus, in our misery, we have exchanged culture for fanatical hatred, creative skill for destructive skill, intelligence for backwardness and superstitionWe have exchanged the pursuit of peace of the Jews of Europe and their talent for hoping for a better future for their children, their determined clinging to life because life is holy, for those who pursue death, for people consumed by the desire for death for themselves and others, for our children and theirs.What a terrible mistake was made by miserable Europe.
***********************************A lot of Americans have become so insulated from reality that they imagine America can suffer defeat without any inconvenience to themselves.Absolutely No Profiling! Pause a moment, reflect back,These events are actual events from history. They really happened! Do you remember?1. 1968 Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by A Muslim male extremist between the ages of 17 and 40
2. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by: Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
3. In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over by: Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
4. During the 1980′s a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by: Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
5. In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by: Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
6. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by: Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
7. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a US Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by: Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
8. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by: Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
9. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by: Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
10. In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by: Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
11. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by: Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
12. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against: Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
13. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
No, I really don’t see a pattern here to justify profiling, do you? So, to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport security screeners will no longer be allowed to profile certain people. They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, secret agents who are members of the President’s security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honor winner and former Governor Joe Foss, but leave Muslim Males between the ages 17 and 40 alone lest they be guilty of profiling. Let’s send this to as many people as we can so that the Gloria Aldreds and other dunder-headed attorneys along with Federal Justices that want to thwart com mon sense, feel ashamed of themselves — if they have any such sense
.
As the writer of the award winning story “Forrest Gump” so aptly put it, “Stupid is as stupid does.”Come on people wake up!!! Keep this going. Our Country and our troops need our support. 

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 Fear and Ignorance Breeds Fear and Ignorance:

A response to All European Life Died in Auschwitz, by Sebastian Vilar Rodrigez. 

Stupidity and ignorance, Senior Rodrigez states, are two things that the Muslims brought to Europe. I wonder if he knew about Jabir Ibn Hayyan, he lived in Kufu in about 776 A.D. and is known as “the father of modern chemistry”. Or maybe the degree to which the Muslims developed physics through the work of physicists Kindi, Jahiz, Banu Musa, Beruni, Razi and Abdur Rahman Ibn Nasr. Perhaps he had never heard of the Spanish Muslims that made some of the greatest contributions in botany, by discovering sexual differences in plants such as palms and hemp and classified plants into groups according to those that grow from sees, cuttings, and of their own accord, i.e. wild growth. I suppose he’d never heard the name Abu Zakariya Yahya Ibn Muhammad Ibn AlAwwan who was the author of what has been heralded as one of the most important books on agriculture during the mediaeval times.  (http://members.tripod.com/~salems2/sciences.htm)  No doubt he didn’t know that Baghdad had set up a method for training and licensing physicians a thousand years before the United States did and that modern European schools follow the pattern set by early Muslim medical schools. Or that Muslim doctor “Al-Razi wrote the first medical description of smallpox and measles – two important infectious diseases. He described the clinical difference between the two diseases so vividly that nothing since has been added. Ibn Sina suggested the communicable nature of tuberculosis. He is said to have been the first to describe the preparation and properties of sulphuric acid and alcohol. His recommendation of wine as the best dressing for wounds was very popular in medieval practice. However Razi was the first to use silk sutures and alcohol for hemostatis. He was the first to use alcohol as an antiseptic.” (http://www.islam-usa.com/im4.html)  Phenomenal contributions to the World Society from a culture “who brought us stupidity and ignorance”. 

I support freedom of speech and so support this journalists right to continue writing and publishing such tripe.  What frightens me is that it is given merit, was added to and has been distributed as a cry to somehow support our Country and our Troops. What is even more disturbing to me is this writer’s harkening back to Auschwitz.  He bemoans the death of millions of Jews and the subsequent rise in Muslim population.  The last line of his article says “What a terrible mistake was made by miserable Europe”.  This coupled with his apparent hatred of the Muslims in Spain leaves one with the distinct impression he would have preferred it the other way around. Would the World witness another attempt at ethnic cleansing?  Would the World stand and watch as the Muslims took a turn in the ovens?  Would our children’s children tell the horrible tales of Muslim concentration camps?

The second (unknown) author in this message uses the word “extremist” a total of thirteen times in his short message.  The intelligent reader must stop to question, to ponder the inclusion of that word so frequently in this two page incensing article. Dictionary.com defines “extremist” as 1. a person who goes to extremes, esp. in political matters.  2. a supporter or advocate of extreme doctrines or practices.  3. Belonging or pertaining to extremists.  What we have to keep in mind is the extreme is on the far outer edge of whatever entity one applies the term to.  But of course, the Muslims are the only group with extremists, right?  In 1999 eight different abortion clinics across America were set ablaze by three different extremists; Ricky Lee McDonald, Martin Uphoff, Peter Quinn, and Benjamin Matthew Williams.  But, wait a minute, those aren’t Muslim names… Okay, but there was the bombing of the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City in 1995 that claimed 168 lives and wounded 800. That was planned and perpetrated by Timothy McVeigh, Terry Nichols, and Michael Fortier… well, they weren’t Muslim either… Let’s reach back further then.  America, from the 17^th to the 18^th centuries approximately 12 million black Africans were brought into slavery… of course, it wasn’t the Muslims that did that.  Then how about between 1692 and 1693 over 150 people were arrested and imprisoned in Salem, Massachusetts.  Accused of practicing Witchcraft 19 men and women were hanged to death, 4 died in prison and one poor man was pressed to Death beneath a board and stones in a torturous attempt to obtain a confession.  But they were prosecuted by their friends and neighbors, the townsfolk of Salem, not Muslims… Well, perhaps further back.   How about the Crusades! That one, arguably, the Muslims did start, but they backed off by 1039 when the Church of the Holy Sepulchre was rebuilt and they realized that a large portion of Jerusalem’s wealth came from the Christian pilgrims visiting the city.  The Christians did not forget, nor forgive it would seem… Or was it the politicians?  Of course Christians, Muslims, and Jews all died together during those bloody wars that spanned from 1095-1272 and left an innumerable mass of dead in its wake. Then we have the cruel and bloody crucifixion of Jesus of Nazareth, a man who taught love and peace and questioned the leaders of the time. Of course, that was done by the Jews.  That isn’t nearly the end, nor does it come close to encompassing the blood-soaked history of humankind.  Since the dawn of time brother has been killing brother, tribes have fought tribes, kinsmen have turned against kinsmen. 

So, what then is our hope?  Is Peace on Earth little more than a dream?  I say it is.  It is an ideal, a wholly believable and accomplishable goal that all of Humankind should set their minds to.  But we must think.  Our problem lies in the illusion that we are all somehow separate.  We are not.  We are all connected, if by nothing more than the fact that we are all one Race and we all live together on this beautiful planet.  We have all been given Life by some Divine Creator that none of us fully understands nor comprehends no matter how much we argue, debate, or discuss.  When we accept that we are all connected, when we view the World and our Brother and Sisters through Love, when we stop the vicious cycle of ignorance and hatred; only then can we begin the work for World Peace.

Love’s nationality is separate from all other religions,The lover’s religion and nationality is the Beloved (God).The lover’s cause is separate from all other causesLove is the astrolabe of God’s mysteries.

~ Jalal ad-Din Muhammad Balkhi-Rumi 

Love is patient, love is kind.It does not envy.

Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;

It is not self-seeking, nor easily angered.

It keeps no record of wrongdoing.

It does not delight in evil,But rejoices in the truth.

It always protects, trusts, hopes, and preserves.

There is nothing love cannot face;

There is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance.

In a word, there are three things that last forever:

Faith, hope, and love;

But the greatest of them all is love.

~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.

~Mohanda K. Ghandi  

I want to change the World.  I choose Love. Let the legacy of hate, fear, and ignorance end here.  

Namaste.

A new year begins.

I love New Year’s Day.  I can’t help but be optimistic on New Year’s no matter what my Life situation may be.  This year, however, I’m feeling particularly happy and optimistic.  When the ball dropped Monday night I was sitting on the couch with my SO’s and the darklings.  We toasted champagne and kissed and piled into one big family hug and I cried.  Couldn’t help it, couldn’t stop it.  The tears just poured but I was smiling.  I’m just so happy to be where I am headed in the direction I’m headed in.  I have a Life filled with Love and I wonder at being here.

My goals for 2008:

1) Maintain Honor’s GPA in school.

2) Tie up my one remaining big loose end.

3) Research Maternal bloodline.

4) Make our household greener.

5) Get a job with a local Funeral Home.

Today’s random word is:

gnomic \NOH-mik\, adjective:

Uttering, containing, or characterized by maxims; wise and pithy.

Because it made me giggle.  : )

Resolutions?

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Goal

In email chat with a co-worker (not so much a friend as a learning experience for me) today I asked if he had any New Year’s resolutions.  “Not really”, he said “I mean, I have some goals for the year but not any resolutions”.  And that got me thinking, as I often do this time of year, about the whole concept of the New Year’s resolution.  It’s the butt of many a joke.  I think some people half-heartedly make them without really believing they’ll stick to them… or maybe they do, I don’t know… but I think that this year, instead of resolutions, I’m going to set some goals for myself, hang them on the wall next to my desk and check them off one by one as I complete them in 2008.  I like lists.  They make me feel accomplished somehow.

 Happy holidays y’all, xoxoxo.

Something I’d forgotten.

Tags

Life

I love getting reminders, especially when those reminders jar something in your mind and stir something in your soul and make you remember the importance of something you’ve held stubbornly to or continued doing doggedly determined not to stop but forgot somewhere along the way just why you were doing it in the first place.

This morning a good friend posted a blog that helped me remember why it is that I cannot live an ordinary Life. Why it is that I dress the way I do and talk the way I do and deal with people the way I do.  I do these things to please myself, yes, but that is never enough for me when it comes right down to it on the important stuff.  I’m the type of person that needs a motivation larger than myself to continue with something, especially if it’s difficult.  No, my reward is in challenging people’s misconceptions, in shaking their dearly held convictions and making them question what they’ve been told to believe, to make them think… to reconsider… to open those iron-clad minds just a hair, just enough to plant a seed, just enough to encourage growth and let in a little sunlight… just enough to make them doubt their prejudice.

I’d forgotten that.  Goddess help me I had forgotten.  To remember it now is so refreshing I feel encouraged.

The scent of a memory…

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Memories

Have you ever noticed that old books, letters, photo albums share a scent?  It’s musty and earthy… it smells like Time, like memories.  Friday night I was looking for something I want to share with a friend of mine but am having difficulty finding.  I fear that it has gone the way of the Do-Do in one of the moves I’ve gone through over the last 3 years but I thought I would look in the last possible place it could be in; my box in the garage.  My box is full of a variety of things; memorabilia mostly, old letters and photos, pictures the kids have drawn for me over the years, but some odds and ends have made their way in there as well so I thought just maybe… unfortunately, it was not there.  However, in digging through the box I came across several pictures of me and my 2nd husband together.  It’s jarring, to come across photos of an old Love… but somehow you just can’t stop yourself from looking… and, not unlike looking at a bad car wreck, you come away feeling slightly shaken and sick to your stomach.  Also in the box of memories I found a letter my Grandmother had written to me 10 years ago while I lived out-of-state with my 1st husband, “I love to receive letters” she wrote “they’re keepsakes, a phone call is nice but after you get through talking, you have nothing left, but a bill.  I keep letters…”.  My Grandmother turned 80 years old this year.  Over the past few years she has slowly lost more and more of her memories and cognizant ability to Alzheimer’s.  I haven’t been able to bring myself to visit her in over a year because I’m terrified that she will look at me and not remember me… I don’t want to have that memory of Mammaw.   I’m thinking about writing her a letter.  I think I miss her more than anyone I’ve ever loved… but I’m happy to have this keepsake to keep her close to me and remind of who she was.

Just a thought…

Tags

self-esteem

…that occured to me this morning.

I believe my self-esteem was shaken somewhere along the way… perhaps even fractured.  I need to exercise that…

Living a Life less ordinary.

Tags

Life

I have wondered, from time to time, what it would be like to live a Life a bit more… mainstream.  It seems I’ve been bucking the “norm” as long as I can remember. All of the “big” things, you know, sexual orientation, religion, politics, the way I dress and the way I talk… even my hair color. I’ve never balked at expressing myself and I’m not one to pretend to be something I’m not… but sometimes, sometimes I think there might be something to laying low, not rocking the boat, not going against the grain. I even said as much to my best friend today, “It just might pay to be one of the sheep.” I said to her. It would be more quiet. I’m not a fan of drama. I just want to be me. I don’t want to have to make exceptions for the things that are important to me. I don’t want to pay lip service to a religion that I can’t throw my whole Heart and Soul into. I don’t want to feign happiness in a relationship that I find unfulfilling. I don’t want to censor my personal style to avoid disapproving looks. Why does happiness have to take so long to find?  And why do you have to go through so much bullshit along the way?  Break a few eggs to make a cake, break a few hearts to find yourself… it’s all the same and it’s all a big mess… but in the end, you have cake, and you can revel in the knowledge that you did it yourself… maybe with a little help along the way.

But maybe there is something in between… I’ve often been told “You gotta pick your battles child.” Gotta find a way to to make your way without taking on the World.

i am

 

lying here in darkness

i am.

what i am is irrelevant

just that i am.

i am free from the world.

i am free from my body.

a soul, weightless,

free.

but what i am doesn’t matter.

i am dark

and i am free.

for just a little while

i am.

Figuring things out.

Tags

divorce

When the ghosts of the past just won’t leave you alone…

We roll along from day to day not thinking about the people from our past, people that we loved and left long ago… I wonder, sometimes, where does my responsibility to those people end? Even more to the point, when you marry and divorce can that connection ever truly be broken?

The line between Love and Hate seems long, wide and often hazy when going through divorce or separation. You look back, try hard to remember, to maybe pinpoint a moment, a day, an incident where the switch was flipped… but it’s damn near impossible to say. You can remember the times when you loved him and you can recall the times that you hated him but the in-between is convoluted and difficult to nail down.  I don’t know for sure why Love changes… why people change… but I do know that the heart is a funny creature.  I do know that things are much more difficult in the long run if you leave things unfinished, words unsaid, and don’t tie up loose ends.  And I think when it is all said a done, a broken heart never completely heals. We can find peace and happiness, yes; but those old wounds are still there no matter how deep we bury them.